The other night when we video chatted I finally came to this bone chilling realization that we will never be together. I’ve told you I love you, that my biggest fear is to lose you. I have almost cried in front of you, showed up at your house when I thought you weren’t going to say goodbye when you promised. I have never run away when things get tough, I listen to you when you need to talk and I support you in everything you dream.
It’s like someone else has a hold of my mind and heart when it comes to you. I don’t want to think about you every second of everyday or to blurt out your name in a conversation because my favorite memories are all with you.
For the past 3 years I have thought that we are just waiting till after college to move onto what we both know is meant to be, which is us being together. You are my first love, we have not kissed or even held hands but the way our eyes connect from across a room, the calm I feel when I’m by your side, the way no one else has ever made me laugh like you. I know you have told me that you can’t give me the things that I deserve like a man that will be there everyday, to tell me that I’m beautiful and give me be world. Our lives are so different yet there is something that draws me to you, I feel untouchable like I’ve found my missing puzzle piece or that our souls match.
You are the most amazing man, your brilliant, athletic, funny, and so much more. I know you say you don’t know what love is and that the closest you can get to saying it is when you say you have love “for” me. I wish you could look into my heart and see how its filled with you and the thought of us.
We went through a rough patch about a year ago and when we worked it out we talked about us and the fact that I want you to be my boyfriend. You basically told me that you weren’t good enough for me and that you don’t ever want to hurt me. I know you have trust issues, so do I but the truth is that no man will ever compare to you in any way. My trust issues vanish when I’m with you because I know that you would protect me from anything that my hurt me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I go back and forth all the time trying to figure out if I should just delete you from my life because being your best friend is so hard when you talk to me about girls that like you and how you don’t want a relationship. I love that you tell me these things but at the same time I’m holding back from just saying “You and I would be perfect”.
Our relationship has never felt like work, we can be together until the sun comes up on your back porch just sitting there and talking or just looking at the stars. I still get butterflies every time I talk to you and especially when we both come home from school and haven’t seen each other in months.
I know you could get any girl you ever wanted and that I’m not the skinniest, most beautiful person in the world but what I do know is that this thing between us is not something I have imagined. Its strong and its been there ever since the first day we met. I will love you forever with the strongest love I know possible because you are the reason for my living. You’ve changed my life more than you will ever know and for that I will never regret a single second of these.
But my one question to anyone reading this is what in the hell do I do?