I understand the hell you’ve had to endure this year. I’ve been a part of that hell and felt the excruciating pain of being torn. I watched you fall further and further from the surface until the final shard of light faded from your view, and I wept for you because of the state you were in.
You tell me everything. How can you not? We are forever intertwined until the end of time, but right now you want nothing to do with me. You wish to cut me out like a cancer because you think it will stop the pain. I’m sorry to say it, but all that will do is leave a deep cavity in your chest that you will never be able to fill.
I hear the way you speak about her, and really, it’s quite beautiful, beyond words. Your passion – your devotion – to her is infectious and warms my core. Your descriptions weave an incredible tapestry and you pour your deepest dreams and aspirations into every thread.
But at the same time, the darkest of shadows looms behind your art and contaminates each masterpiece. You are not celebrating her beauty and excellence, but rather mourning the absence of such an amazing person from your past. I saw you two together and I thought “Wow, they are perfect for each other!” I was sure you’d found “the one” and all the heavens couldn’t contain my joy!
Then you did the stupidest thing and walked away from her. DUDE! COME ON!! Are you kidding me? I mean, I know things were tough for you and you got scared, but this woman was SOOOO incredibly important to you! How could you let her go so easily? I understand you did what you thought was best, but I think you two would have found a way to grow stronger in the face of opposition, especially if you truly put Christ at the center of your relationship and lives as you tried to do from the beginning.
However, you did eventually come to your senses and realize exactly what it was that you had lost. I’m proud of you for trying to reconcile with her; for taking a chance and making yourself vulnerable. I think you’ve redeemed yourself a little bit through that attempt, even though it failed and left you bleeding miles beneath the earth’s surface.
I am so sorry for your pain and all you’ve been going through these last few months. I feel it too at the center of my being, and nothing is worse than watching somebody suffer and not being able to do anything. I know how much you used to love her, and how much that love pales next to the Love you now hold for her. I saw how happy and content you were together and many of your memories with her are now mine. I’ve seen all the letters you’ve written to her – letters that she’ll never read because you never sent them to her. I’ve seen all the poems you’ve composed, both within those letters and on their own, and truly there is no thing more beautiful than the purity with which you Love.
We both know she still loves you, too. You hurt her immensely when you left and she’s cried over you more times than she’d care to admit. She has even said so, though she has decided to go her own way without you. And it is time you moved on as well. What I’m telling you isn’t easy, Nate, but you know that it must be done.
I’m not asking you to forget about her, put her behind you, and never look back. By all means, remember her… Remember all those good times, those romantic moments, all those beautiful features and traits she possessed that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Remember the life she once gave you and the lessons you have learned.
But forget the rejection that drove you to this place. Forget all the pain and tears that she will never collect. Forget the hopelessness that creeps along your veins and drives you to despair. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting the beautiful moments from your past. It just means moving past all the horrible ones in pursuit of God’s plan for your life. You have such great passion and Love welling up inside you, and because of this I know for CERTAIN that God will bring somebody into your life to satisfy that Love and passion. Perhaps one day she will come around as you did and the two of you will be happy together as you hope. Or, more likely, it means that God has somebody else in mind and will bring her into your life at the opportune moment.
So all I’m asking is: don’t dwell too much on the relationship you wish you had. You have other plans, and for those, too, I am proud of you. Go into the Air Force. Forge a career for yourself. Keep writing, and writing beautifully. Praise and worship God and channel your passion in His direction! And in the meantime, God will present your bride to you when the time is right and you will find true joy and happiness. So for right now, I ask that you pursue your joy and happiness elsewhere, like in God for example. Believe it or not, it IS possible.
P.S. Please tell your mind to shut up. It has the tendency to overthink things and always thinks it is right, and it is getting on my nerves. Logic is NOT the only answer to problems, so please remind it of this whenever it tries to give its OPINION in situations it is not needed. Do this, and you are already on the road to a brighter future. 😉