I’ve carried so much hurt so much guilt around for so long that it was such a relief to meet someone that would listen to me and not criticize me or judge me from the things I’ve done in the past. I told you how much of a failure I feel about my marriage ending and the tremendous guilt i feel toward my kids because the family I tried to keep together was such a lie. I sacrificed my safety, my happiness and myself so they could have what I thought was a family with both parents. It was all a facade and I realize now that I wasn’t doing them any favors but nontheless, I wouldn’t have done it any different. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time.
When everyone including my family, turned their backs on me, you were there listening and giving me direction, confidence, and encouragement. I started feeling that maybe I was capable of being with someone in a healthy relationship and that I was worthy of being happy without having to sacrifice myself. It all sounded nice and allowed you into a big part of me. I told you things that my friends of fifteen years didn’t know and it felt good to talk to you about those things because I was getting tired of carrying all of that baggage. You were with me when I was ready to give up and end it all so I didn’t have to feel all of the pain I feel.
I told you of my mistrust for people and how I never let anyone in completely because I’ve been hurt by so many people including the two people that should always be there for their child. Yet still, only some things have changed. I still feel hurt most days. I still cry most nights. I still don’t sleep much because i lay awake thinking what the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I be loved? Am I that damaged that I’m just not worthy of someone who will put forth as much effort and as much of themselves as I’m willing to do for a relationship?
I’m tired of always coming last in someone’s priorities. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved and I want someone to be able to say they love me and it be genuine. The only people I’ve heard those words from and mean it are my kids. I can just look at them and feel loved. Does this exist in a relationship? I want to believe that it does.