• Hopeless, helpless & angry at myself and you

    by  • November 11, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Anger • 0 Comments

    Hopeless because it feels that no matter what signs you get hit with, you never seem to quite catch onto them.

    Helpless because your choices are your choices and you leave me none. Angry at myself because I have no right to be angry at you and really shouldn’t but I am.

    Angry at you because you don’t realize that sometimes the people who TRULY love you, really do know better then yourself what is good for you and what is not. (I think you do have a few of those in your life besides me, but sometimes I wonder)

    WOW what a statement!

    I know, and I am the very first one to admit that it is hard to let this sink in and accept. Much harder even to actually listen and act upon!

    Take a vacation, live life enjoy your fruits and relax. Do you even know how to? I mean like really letting go even mentally and just breathe in beauty just for what it is? No second thoughts to it? Something, anything with someone, anyone you choose? You initiate and not OTHERS planing FOR you? Do you even remember what it’s like to wake up to a sunny day, cancel everything, turn off your cell, grab your loved one and just disappear for a few days and loving EVERY moment of togetherness?

    I am angry at myself for being angry at you! What do I know anyway? Why do I even bother? I don’t know all the details, so what’s it to me, right? A blind man with a crutch can see what’s going on in your life without even knowing details dear!
    You are making things so darn hard for your own self, while you have endless possibilities, that so many other people DO NOT have – to make it so much easier.

    Why don’t you?

    It is not only about deeply caring for other people, no matter how much you like to believe your own excuse. Everybody has to draw their own boundaries in life and yours are totally screwed up. Stop letting everybody be more important then yourself and realize that NOBODY will ever be happy if you don’t even allow yourself to be happy.

    Happy, PAHHHHH, I am not even talking about this luxury right now but what about your HEALTH?

    Do you really NOT realize that this constant stress you set yourself up to is getting to you? Really? OR is that this noble part of self sacrifice?

    Who is asking you to sacrifice anything? Why would you even have to, if people love you the way you are, the way you love them? Is this really a contradiction within my writing? Maybe, but if so, it’s one in your best interest.

    I am not even talking about myself here, I know, I am out of the equation for you and that you don’t even think of me this way. But damned will I be when I have to watch you constantly hurting yourself while all along you feel you do right, when you feel you have no choices, when you feel you do your best.

    I KNOW you and I KNOW what is really inside of you, you can try to fool the world and yourself but you won’t fool me!

    Maybe that’s the point of sending me into your life against my will. Yes, that’s right, I didn’t just suddenly decide I want this. It was a force that I long tried to oppose BEFORE I gave in and followed it’s path. Still a choice, I suppose but one I made having faith in the end.

    WHAT end is that, huh? My life is in ruins more then you have a clue about and here I am being frustrated and angry because you don’t see how truly amazingly wonderful and happy YOURS could be.

    WHY? Why am I so darn STUPID?????

    You want to know all about me? The dirty little details? The remaining truth hidden from you? WHAT FOR?
    You can’t even fix your own life so stop wanting to fix everybody else’s, even though you can!

    I care, I care so much about you, YOU as in you and really don’t give a rats bootay about all the circus around you.

    Of course I’d love to be the one for you. Of course I wish nothing more then for you to love me back as deeply as I love you. Of course I wish for nothing more then to spend the rest of my life falling asleep in your arms and kissing you goodbye on your way out. Of course I wish I’d be all and everything for you. Nothing but wishes, not even hopes! So no, don’t read ulterior motives into my words!

    BUT above all of my own selfishness, which I am VERY aware of, I WANT YOU HAPPY AND HEALTHY!

    I’ll manage and take care of my stupid self somehow. Worry about me if you like but FIRST you should worry about your own self because like this? We will both go down the drain but you much faster them I – even with all the love and fortune you have in your life.

    LEARN your lessons and apply them. Learn how to be satisfied, even if it means being satisfied pacifying LESS people.

    Yes, your heart of gold is a big part of what makes me love you so profoundly but your ignorance in light of loving yourself is driving me up the wall. YOU are the most wonderful man, I have ever had the honer to get to know but nobody is perfect and neither are you- accept that.
    I have and love you anyway. I can’t be sorry for simply wishing better for you!

    One day, the day will come when I tell you EXACTLY all of this. A day I am not looking forward to because I will most likely lose you for intruding my feelings and sentiments about your life. A part of you that you made very clear, I have no place nor right to be in. Shit happens, I suppose but that won’t change my love for you and my desire for your happiness – even if it is without me.

    For now in here LINS, just had to get it out of my system.

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