• so long, suckers

    by  • November 10, 2011 • Goodbye • 1 Comment

    Hey douches,

    Sooo, I just read a letter on here from someone who was in the process of making the agonizing decision of whether or not to leave a bad situation and start over. My heart goes out to them, it really does. As for me, however, I personally went through no such process when deciding to leave this shit hole university and move abroad, because there were quite a few hideously awful fuckbags who made my decision an extremely easy one. Well guess what, aforementioned fuckbags, I’ll be gone for good in 6 weeks and it’s ’cause of you guys that I’ve spent a grand total of ZERO nights laying awake and wondering if I made the right choice. So this is just my letter of thanks to all of you:

    -Firstly, to the kind, caring, wonderful, and oh so competent administration officials at my current university: I obviously meant all of those words with utmost sarcasm because during my (thankfully quite brief) time here, you have been none of those things. You have given me a glimpse into the dark depths of extreme human stupidity, and it was quite scary. I don’t even know how the fuck this place is still standing, with idiots like you in charge. I come to you with a simple question about the possibility of taking a leave of absence which is a PERFECTLY NORMAL thing to do, and you look at me like I’m speaking another friggin language. You talk to me like I’m a misbehaving five-year-old, you give me about 50 levels of red tape before I’m finally even able to talk to someone who appears to marginally know what they’re doing… Then you try and tell me that I’m “not allowed” to take a leave of absence??? Last time I checked this was college not prison, and as a motherfucking adult I can leave whenever the hell I want. and guess what fuckers, my question was not “am I going to leave?”… my question was “am I going to EVER come back?” and my answer is “hahaha not a chance in hell.” So congrats, guys, on losing another student. Nah, actually, I take that last part back, let me put this in terms that you might actually care about: Congrats on losing another walking ATM machine who pays you $30,000 a year.

    -Especially you, L: you are literally one of the most vile human beings I’ve ever had the misfortune of coming across, you who call yourself a “counselor”… your job is to COUNSEL, my dear, wow would you look at that, it’s right there in the job title, now that wasn’t so hard was it? But given your obvious hatred for all of humanity, and love of watching people suffer, i personally think you missed your calling working for the Mafia as the person who breaks peoples fingers when they owe money. Or at least like a prison guard or something, because then hopefully the people you verbally abuse would actually deserve it. But please for the love of God I’m begging you, go into ANY other line of work besides counselor. You are a sociopathic bitch; I bet you keep a bottle of vodka in your desk drawer and take a shot for every time you make a student cry. Gah I hate you so fucking much, you are right up there on the same level as Hitler, Donald Trump, Bentley from the last season of The Bachelorette, and the guy who ran over my dog right in front of me when I was 8 and then kept driving. Hopefully one day all of you will be in hell together and you guys can bond over your extreme evilness and the shared experience of pitchforks being shoved up your assholes. PS, I’m seriously thinking about sending you this

    -J, C, and A: aka my supposed best friends… fucking sad that now the only reason I know you guys are even alive is because of your constant facebook statuses about all the shit you do together without me. I want to be mad at you but honestly it just hurts like a bitch because you didn’t even talk to me… I had to hear through a mutual friend that you guys were mad at me, and then you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself? You KNOW that I would make it right if you asked me to, but you didn’t even wait around long enough to let me try? The worst thing is you’re all too big of cowards to come out and say anything to my face so you’ll just pretend that we’re still like friendly acquaintances or something, like fucking COME ON we were best friends!! it’s not NORMAL to go from best friends who do everything together, to smiling at me when you see me around but not saying hi and NEVER texting me or answering the phone when i call you. thats so shitty, seriously you could have just confronted me and said how you felt… did you not think we were close enough friends for you to be honest with me?? UGH i leave in a month and then chances are you’ll never see me again, and even if you don’t care could you at least not make it so we leave with all this shit hanging between us?? come on we are fucking adults here.

    -TB: You little freshman piece of shit, who do you think you are??? You do NOT hook up with a chick then steal her money, who the fuck does that? And then deny it, seriously? If you ever stumble across this website (unlikely) and are literate enough to read this (even more unlikely) then I want you to know that you’re ugly as sin and i only hooked up with you cause i was vomit-in-my-own-purse drunk. ha, life is going to be extremely difficult for you my friend, because 1) life is just difficult for fugly dudes in general, and 2) you are a fugly dude with a shit personality on top of that, so it’s not like anyone’s gonna fall for you cause they think you’re cool or funny or some shit. I’m pretty sure that the only “girlfriend” you’ll ever have is one who charges 200 bucks an hour. But, on a more pleasant note, I really should thank you because you are the one who first got me thinking that I wanted to leave this school. After our little encounter I remember calling up my mom drunk as shit, bawling my eyes out, and asking her if it was too late for me to transfer because, I believe my exact words were, “Mom, Everyone here is a fucking douchebag and I can’t stand it anymore.” She reassured me that I could transfer whenever… and that was kinda what got the ball rolling in the “I’m fucking out of here” department. Ha, so technically you did me a favor by being an ugly trashy thieving bastard… and you know what, you can keep my money as a thank-you gift, go buy a lap dance or something, that way maybe for 5 minutes you can pretend that a woman wants you. 🙂
    …Sincerely, the hottest girl you will EVER hook up with without roofies

    -JG: This is actually nice-ish… First off you are extremely hot and charming and unlike the bastard i just talked about, you will have absolutely ZERO difficulty in finding a girl. This one right here definitely fell for you pretty hard, not gonna lie. But you know what, even more than I want you, I want to BE you. Your life is a constant vacation and you have no idea how jealous of that I am. I’m stuck in this small-minded fuckhole while you go wherever the hell you want and do the things that make you happy. Hearing about all your crazy-ass adventures is kinda what made me want to go abroad and see the world instead of just transferring to another school in the united states. So thank you, even if I never see you again, and I hope one day you will look at MY facebook pictures from all my crazy adventures instead of the other way around. Also, you are always welcome come to visit me if you ever have the desire to get wasted in a whole different hemisphere…. I feel like we’d have a good time.

    Sooooo basically to all of ya’ll…. Na Na Na Na, Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey, Goodbyeeee (:

    no longer anyone’s bitch

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    One Response to so long, suckers

    1. Doppleganger
      November 10, 2011 at 3:36 pm

      Well written. Well Spoken. Godspeed.



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