• I’m sorry

    by  • November 10, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    T,

    I thought you were the one. five years and i finally realized i had given so much more of myself and needed so much more from you in return. I was hurt, young, depressed and after you disappointed me and invalidated me again I left on a trip and did something that would change everything.

    I met a man with friends and when he assumed i was single i did not correct him. I lived free, felt adored and alive for the first time in so long. When he leaned in to kiss me i didn’t stop myself. I kissed him and made love to him under the stars. Until now you had been my only lover. There was no turning back.

    We broke up, I moved out and denied that my leaving was because of another man. You called me out on cheating i denied it. The truth is T, I cheated and it is killing me. I am so sorry i didn’t have the courage to be true to myself and leave you before seeing another man. I am so sorry to have lost your love, respect, all of our friends, and our dogs. I apologize for the hurt and for losing you. I lied to myself and will not ever do that again.

    I was unhappy and have been struggling ever since I made a selfish choice that summer night to forgive myself. I will never tell you what i did. You are through with me. I would be too. I hope you have a beautiful life and are able to become a person who deserves the girl i was before i made that terrible decision.

    It wasn’t wrong to leave you. You were not what I needed. Who I have been is not who I really am. I created an out when my feelings were enough of a reason to leave. I will never forget that my feelings are enough and I will not lose someone like i lost you. Thank you for every kindness. I am sorry this is how I had to learn this lesson. I am so sorry. I will always love you. I may not love you as a partner and we will never be lovers or friends again but regardless I will always have a place in my heart for you.

    Until the pain of losing you subsides and I can feel good again about myself and my moral judgment I will live in this moment because I cannot carry this guilt and move on to the life I left the last one for.

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