My entire life people have told me it’s so funny to watch me react and get angry. They thinks it’s hilarious when I get worked up over a sexist comment or a math problem I know I got right or simply forgetting my homework and having a full blown panic attack. People always tell me, “you’re so funny when you’re mad”. They taunt me just for a reaction, they throw insults just to get a rise out of me, they mock me just to see my response. And I keep freaking out and getting upset, every single time. So they keep doing it and they keep laughing like crazy when I get furious. They say, “Calm down, it’s a joke”. But it’t not a joke to me. My self esteem is nonexistent, every single thing they say to me stays with me. Why is it that people enjoy watching me get truly upset? Why is my pain and misery so comical to everyone?
And it’s because of this that I come off so aggressive. When people are constantly trying to infuriate you, you become really defensive. I have thrown up a wall of false confidence that I hide behind so everyone can’t see how much they are truly hurting me. Everyone thinks I’m some crazy, conceited, independent, angry bitch. And this couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m really an insecure, scared, sweet person who honestly just wants to be there for everyone. But I can’t help but play tough when I’m so used to being attacked. I’m not the cold person I might seem like.
All I’ve ever wanted is someone who wants to make me happy. Someone who loves my smile and my laugh. Someone who can’t stand to see me upset and hates my tears. I want to be able to come out from behind my false wall of confidence. I want someone who will stand up for me whenever someone tries to get a reaction. I want someone who can see me for the kind, shy person I am.
Is that too much?