I don’t even really know where to begin. It was short-lived, completely unexpected and a total mindfuck. But for some reason or another I can’t just let it go. I let myself get caught up in the idea of it all. In reality we’re so much different. But that’s why I wanted it. There are so many things about you that I want to be. There is a mysteriousness that surrounds you and I was drawn to it. I wanted to figure you out.
I miss how incredibly happy and free I felt in the beginning. I was so shy but I was able to be myself. No one has ever made me feel so comfortable yet so nervous at the same time. We could talk for hours. Always make each other smile. Everything seemed great. But somewhere along the line something changed. I could feel it but I didnt want to believe it.
You weren’t ready. Not for me anyway. We stopped talking. You never made time for me. I felt like I was a secret. You pulled away. You started getting short with me. Important things that we had talked about seemed to be forgotten. It was clear that you were no longer interested.
Surprisingly, I’m not angry. Believe it or not I know about her. I’m not dumb. Sure it stings a little bit but we wouldn’t have worked right now anyway. You’re not in a place where you can give me what I need and want. I don’t know if you ever would have been able to give it to me either. We really are living completely different lives even though we thought it wouldn’t be an issue. Silly us.
I’d like to think that it was real for a short time. I’d like to think that we didn’t just get caught up in the summer. And strangely enough I’d like to think that whatever it was may be one day re-visited. But for now we have a friendship to work on. Trying to decipher the line of what we had before and what it turned into is hard. I’m not quite sure what I want, what you want, or what I should expect. Although I know I shouldn’t expect anything at all.
So here’s to no more late nights of “what ifs” or “what could have beens”. It is what it is and the future is unwritten.