• I hate feeling so torn.

    by  • November 9, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    I’m torn between my gut feeling, my heart, my head, and my family members putting thoughts into my already jumbled head. It’s ridiculous and I don’t know what to do anymore. One second I feel like I don’t need you in my life, you’ve done me wrong so much it just isn’t worth it anymore. You emotionally abuse me to the point that I’m curled up in a ball, shaking and trying to catch my breath from crying so hard.

    But on the other token, you’re my cousin. I was closer with you than I was with anyone else on this planet, I can promise you that. We just completely understood each other. We could vent to each other, joke around, make fun. We always knew how to make the other laugh. I truthfully could not go a day without talking to you.

    Since you’re a boy and I’m a girl, and you’re a year older…it makes me wonder, is that unhealthy or weird that we were as close as we were? If we weren’t third cousins it would seem as if we were dating! But we do live in different states.

    Anyways I’m getting off topic. I do love you, obviously I love you you’re family. The things you put me through though, are/were terrible. And you didn’t even have good reasoning for any of it. At first I’d always come crawling back to you with no apology necessary, but now I’m growing up and getting stronger.

    I’ve been doing really well, not talking to you that is. My immediate family tells me I’m doing the right thing. I have so many bottled up feelings and emotions towards you that I’d LOVE to talk out with you, but you will have no part in that. Talking through your problems is out of the question for you. YOU, sir, need to grow up.

    I truthfully and honestly reallly miss what we used to have, but I just feel like I can never get that relationship back again. Too much has happened and nothing has been done about it. I’ve tried to get you to talk, and you won’t. My immediate family tells me who cares, you aren’t worth my time anyways. Sometimes, I believe them. But then there are nights like tonight.

    Nights where I just miss you. I look through old pictures and old messages we had. I find myself wanting to know about your life within these past few months, wanting you to know about mine. I want to joke around with you. I want your advice, or I just want you to text me and not let either of us stop answering until one says some form of goodbye. My family would so judge me if I told them I was back to talking to you on a regular basis again though.

    But I really miss you, I absolutely cannot deny that. I just wish you would grow the fuck up already. Seriously there are so many things you do that make me so upset and angry, and you’re aware of it…that’s the worst part. I still can’t wait for the time that you come to me and we talk through EVERYTHING. And guess what, I’m ready for that day.

    You tell me and others how much you miss me, well in order for our relationship to get back to normal, all you have to do is Skype me. We can talk. I promise you I’ll try to see where you’re coming from if you’re willing to do the same for me. I’ll let you talk for three hours if you need to. I’ll turn away if you cry if you want me to.

    Anyways, as I said before, regardless of everything I do love you. I just wish I knew what to do about you.

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