I’m depressed again. Third time around, but that third time’s the charm, right?
I feel so hopeless. So vacant. I want to cry until there are no more tears, but I don’t have the time for that.
I’ve experienced three deaths this year. I have graduated high school, leaving that part of me behind, and I have entered college. But so have my friends. In July, my mother was in a near fatal motorcycle accident, which had her in a coma for three weeks. She got out of the hospital finally in late September, and I’m taking care of her.
I’m taking care of her, and she’s getting better, but I didn’t think I would be in a situation like this. She’s making good progress, but she’s still not all there, and today she fell down and fought me tooth and nail when I tried to get her back up again, but why couldn’t she understand that attempting to do it on her own wasn’t getting her anywhere? Why does she have to scream when I try to lift her? Why does she scream when I give her a shower? I know she understands. She’s not severely damaged. She can hold a conversation. I just don’t get it. Why does she have to cuss me out so badly? I don’t have to take care of her. I don’t, and why can’t anyone just think about how it affects me? She’s emotional nowadays too, but so am I.
My friends have left me behind. The person I considered my best friend for years I now admit probably started thinking of me as her best friend years ago. She’s replaced me. I was kicked out of the group of girls I hung out with, for an unknown reason. The only one of those who still considers me her best friend is living in a dorm some hours away, but that means I have no one here. I reconnected with another good friend in the last week, but it is apparent to me now that he doesn’t care about me that much, even if he says he does and that he missed me in the gap of time where we weren’t talking. He is enveloped by his girlfriend, which I suppose is understandable, but I wish I wouldn’t be replaced in such a way.
The only one I have left is my boyfriend, which many would consider a good thing, but I get exasperated with him. He is immature and gives me his problems. I suppose I should be glad he confides in me, but at this point in my life, I don’t care to hear any of that. He smothers me when I am with him, and when I talk to him on the phone, he has the tendency to say the wrong thing.
I am stretched so thin. And I feel so completely, utterly alone. I would take care of the situation, like my late friend, but then no one would be left to take care of my mother, and honestly I don’t feel ready to go yet anyway.
But it would be nice to catch a break. It would be nice to have people who cared in just the right way.
My heart is so heavy. My head is so full. I am so lost and sad, in every sense of both of those words.
I want things to be different so, so badly.