I replaced her name with ‘You’ so it might create awkward word choices.
This is a hard letter to write and there are a lot of emotions welled up behind it. And I know that you might not be ready to hear my words or not hold them in very high esteem right now but right now I can’t offer a soothing hug or a loving kiss.
It makes things difficult, being human. We all have our flaws and as the older I get the more I am able to see mine. I am very hesitant to talk about myself in this letter because of the conversation that we had about this being a relationship all about me but at the same time my own thoughts, feelings and emotions are all that I can base things on. You are right that I can be emotionally needy and draining, self absorbed and consumed with what I feel. I am not perfect and I see that and I’m trying to strive to look out for other’s best interests and that is a process.
For this first portion I want to talk about you, or at least how I perceive you which may be very far from the truth, but every day I hope that the version in my head morphs from the fake You to the real You.
You is an extraordinary girl, unlike any other. She has a fiery personality and is stronger and more aggressive than half the guys in ROTC with her. She can curse and drink with the best of them and never falters for a single second. But at the same time she is distinctly feminine and a woman, she loves girl time and won’t let men treat her like one of the guys. She is always motivated and spirited (except on a very few mornings) and can bring a smile to anyone’s face. She walks into any situation and immediately make friends and ensure that everyone feels at home. When she is a hostess her guests are greeted by someone who has prepared the perfect place to be happy. People love You, and that’s a fact.
You cares, there is no other way to say it. She has a burning desire for the well being of her friends that I have not seen in anyone else. I do not know if this is out of deep affection or out of a sense of duty but she goes well out of her way to be there for people, whether it be driving them home from a party even at risk to herself, taking care of a sick friend, buying cookie supplies for friends she has not hung out with in a while, writing a poor lonely boy away in the army, extremely giving of her own time and money to the point where she has none left for herself. She deems herself invincible and a fountain of energy that others can draw from, and this is close to the truth. But at the same time You is broken and hurt. She is afraid of love, and not just passionate romantic Eros but just the love that drives life day to day in families and friendships and a person on the street. She feels that the only way to stay rational and sane is not to give into her feelings even to the point of denying their existence. This may stem from a harsh past of betrayal or an environment where love was used as a bribe or tool rather than freely given. You biggest obstacle may very well be letting herself or other people whether it be family or friends into her true heart. You is quick to judgment, listens to people, is slow to affection and putting herself out there for people to see her true self, doesn’t want to rely on anyone because she has been let down before, she does it herself and wants to succeed in life and help people. You always strives for the best and what is right.
You has an immaculate sense of noticing details and picking up on them from other people, she uses this to get in their face for the best and tries to fix issues. You is crazy and wild and loves to have fun. She is always the life of any interaction whether it is a party, friends just hanging out or a one on one. You is no model figure, she is not what the social media would call a piece of fine ass. But that is because she is so much more. You is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met, she is really in shape and has sexy legs, she is confident in anything she wears even if other people give her crap for it, she has a sensual core and breasts to die for. She seems nervous being looked at or photographed because she doesn’t believe that she is the complete epitome of beauty. Her neck, back, and shoulders are soft and lovely to kiss. But the best part about You is her face. If only she could see what I could see then she would believe that she is ridiculously gorgeous. She has an adorably round face with a cute straight nose. Her smile gets me every time, the pointy teeth and the devious shrug. You know that when she smiles the world is happy. Her hair is beautiful whether she just jumped out of the shower or woke up or is pulling off surfer girl, or is in her army bun, or is pulled back in a classic pony tail. But most of all I love her eyes. They say so much that she is not willing to say. Generally they say how much she loves life and is happy to be in the moment, but sometimes they let slip that she is angry or sad or stressed. They are not really blue but not really green either and I don’t get enough time to stare into them. They can lift you up to feel like the luckiest guy on the planet or rip out your heart. They are majestic.
You doesn’t let things get to her on the outside even though it has some sort of effect on the inside. The best thing might be to let a few things in, but I am willing to wait until she is ready. You is ridiculously honest and forthright, she hates liars and fakers. You is on a journey, she is lost, she has hurts and pains, she is not invincible, but she is lovely just the way she is. I love what You is and what You isn’t. Even though she might not be able to see her flaws I can and I still love her because of them. That’s why she is different than every other girl, because her flaws make her even more interesting. But the truth is, is that I don’t know you, who you really are. That’s what I’m trying to figure out every day and I hope to have the chance to learn more about her in the future, who she really is.
Now I will focus more on our particular relationship. To be completely honest I think that you are wrong when you say this is a one sided relationship all about me. I have been trying to shower down affection on you get into your head but it has been a hard battle. I know that you like specific examples and details so in here I have included a few things that I believe were a way of trying to love you.
I painted you a shot glass that had both of us depicted on it and repeatedly invited you to go out to do pottery previously, making you a care package health pack when you were sick, being super chill with Sister Sundays and (at least in my head) trying to give you space, (when I wake up I think about you and when I go to sleep I think about you and most of the time in between, I try to find out how your day is going or ask you how you are feeling but you answer in vague replies, I don’t press you because I think that I am giving you space but I guess you didn’t feel that way. There were mondays of no talking designed specifically because I did not want you to feel smothered, going with you to death cab (though I enjoyed it the main reason I went was to support you and I wanted to do something with/for you), I love your friends and have become friends with them even some of the distasteful ones, I wanted to meet your family and have you meet mine, I want to share everything with you; my ideas and my things and my time, I didn’t shave whenever possible because you liked it, I erased the word “love” because I know that it is very charged for you and you are afraid of it, I was very affectionate and showered you with praise, hugs, kisses, wrote you letters, wrote poems, went to parties with you, bought you booze, bought you dinners, took you out, wanted to plan sappy romantic outings for you, wanted to share experiences with you, smothered you, let you know what was going through my head (It’s hard for me to share stuff too and I put a lot of energy in being completely open with you, I thought this was a way to show you I care because I would let you into my thoughts but in the end I looked like a self-centered asshole), I tried to figure out what was going through your head and ask you how you felt or what you thought and the longer we’ve been together I feel that you have been willing to share so much more and I was happy. I tried to take the lead in our relationship, I tried to plan dates, plan events so we could interact with others as a couple, I planned books to talk about, conversations to have, asked you how you thought our relationship was going when you felt down or during and periodic checkups.
I wanted to support you when the going got tough, tried to work stuff out, cared immensely about how you feel and severely empathized with you when you felt down. I held the door open, I tried to be a gentleman, I tried to understand, I wanted to watch your movies and experience your music and learn about you and your family and your friends.
When I went out to parties without you or to the bars I would talk about how awesome my girlfriend was. When you said you didn’t like using the word love I shifted my praise and affections to specific things that I liked about you. I valued your opinion very highly and in any conversation we had I would take what you said into consideration, you have changed my mind on many things. I still have all the letters you sent me in the bottom of my backpack because I like to keep your words close to me. I attempted to give you space but obviously I failed. When you said that you had given up the reigns I tried to pick them up and went to your house to try to win you back. I guess I had been so worried if you liked stuff and didn’t want to offend you that I had dropped the reigns and started relying on you to be in charge. I drop things to support you if you need it or to worry about our relationship, if you ever asked for anything I would be right there. I just messed up when you asked for space, because that’s the only thing that I have to do nothing for, and I tried to do too much.
Sometimes when you look a certain way or laugh a certain way or say something in one of your voices it hurts me so much, it’s like a stabbing because you are so beautiful and perfect in that moment. I feel like I want to be able to capture that moment for all time and those are the moments that I am the most weak to you, I desperately want to be able to hold on to that piece of You for all time but I know some day I will have to give you up. They are the best and the worst moments.
I love doing cute sappy romantic things, I want to try to have a candle lit dinner, I want to stand outside of your window and read you poems, I want to get drunk at the park in your arms, I want to go on a motorcycle ride around town, I want to be goofy and just chill out, I want to kiss you passionately in the rain. I want to do all these things….because I thought they would make you happy. And I desperately care about your happiness but the only way I can tell when you are happy is when you clutch me in bed right before we go to sleep.
All you do is ask me questions about myself and when I ask you stuff you avoid it. I end up just talking about myself because that’s what I feel is all you want to talk about. You are so intune and interested in other people that maybe it’s hard for you to be interested in you long enough to talk about yourself. I long to know you more intimately and know your thoughts, just let me know. I’ve gotten a little ways into your family background and your childhood. When we talk about different ideas it takes a while to trudge through all the “other people’s opinions” and get to yours but we are getting there. When I ask you what you were up to today you answer in little blocks that are hard to interpret but that does not stop me from sharing my whole day with you. I don’t press you because I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. When we talk about feelings or where we want to go with things its generally me saying how much I like you, whether I feel like I’m sad or happy or content or mad or hurt because any time I try to get that out of you its very very difficult. I try really hard to be forthcoming about all that I think or feel and that’s no easy task, as you most likely know. But I am not sharing this because I am trying to be selfish and want it to be all about me, I do it because I want to give you a safe place to talk about your feelings and what you think and want to know who you are deep down. If I go first then maybe you’ll feel like it’s okay to share about yourself and we can both develop and grow.
When we talked about our relationship at one world you said you didn’t know what you wanted. Many times when we drive places I ask you how you feel about a certain event or friend or our relationship but we never really get that in depth. Maybe if conceal my feelings like you then it would feel like a more stable relationship. Maybe if I didn’t let you into my thoughts then I wouldn’t be too much to handle. But the truth is is that I don’t want this to be a one sided relationship, that’s the absolute opposite of what I want and I want you to be happy. But maybe me pressuring you into sharing your activities and time and feelings has put you in a very uncomfortable spot, somewhere that you don’t want to be. I know that you have been anteing up too but sometimes I feel like I am the only one gambling on our pot. That you are so afraid of losing everything you’ve bet that you don’t want to even bet. Well I’m not ready to fold quite yet because you are more important to me than that.
As for thanksgiving, I just thought I was being a good boyfriend. I mean what girl wouldn’t want her boyfriend to come and meet her family and spend his time with her over a break. What girl wouldn’t want her boyfriend to call her parents to ask them to date her and try to get close with her family. I’m not trying to say this in a way that makes me look like a cocky dick but at the same time I want you to realize that I’m trying really hard to care about you and do things that I thought were for you. I understand that its very stressful here at school and I had hoped that during the unstressful break I would be able to do things for you and with you to make you happy. I wanted to be there for you but I now see that I am the main source of your stress and cannot be a reliever of that.
I also assumed that you wanted to spend time with me as much as I did with you but I was wrong again on that count and that is also my fault for assuming. That’s why I wanted to see if not at thanksgiving you wanted to spend some time together during Christmas. That’s why I wanted to hammer stuff out about next semester so I could let you know whats going on and not leave you in the deep end. In retrospect it’s not a wall we are facing when I leave but a shift, a shift in priorities and status. I will not care about you or what you think or how you feel any less and that’s why I don’t want to date, because I know it would destroy you to be in a long distance relationship when you already have so many in your life. So that’s why I want to go back to friendship then, but who knows what could happen in the distant future. Maybe someday you will no longer be afraid of love.
I seemed to be stuck in a catch .22. I couldn’t be honest about my problems because then you just thought I was weak and didn’t respect me and if I was cocky it turned me into a dick.
I don’t know what to do to be a good boyfriend to you because every time I asked what you needed you said you were invincible. So I treated you how I wanted to be treated but apparently that’s not what you needed deep down. You did not need someone to pursue you when things were rough, you did not need physical, verbal or emotional affection, you did not need the support of your boyfriend because you are invincible. I don’t know if I should chase you or let you be.
I’ll take the blame for this one because you did say that you were not ready for a relationship. I guess I should have listened. But you will forever hold a special place in my heart as the girl who inspired me to accomplish so many things in my life. My affection will not pass away from you.
What is love? It’s a desire for what’s the best for the other person. This is very hard to achieve because we are all so self centered but something that I am working on. It’s a choice and not a feeling. So I choose to love you right now. If you need space take thanksgiving break off, I don’t even have to talk to you if you don’t want. If you need Christmas break with the ladies, take it, I’ll still care about you. When I graduate and leave I will not try to remain in a dating relationship with you, but I do want to still be in your life. I want to be able to still pour affection into it and be there for the times when you realize that you, indeed, are not invincible. If you need to leave this relationship before that time I will support you in that decision and try to be the best regular friend that I can. Cause the bottom line is, is that I do love you. And even if nothing ever happens between us, I just want you to know that love is possible and there was at least someone in your life who tried to stand up to you and for you and show that you are actually worth learning about and finding out the deeper things about you and you are worthy to be loved.
I am leaving this letter very open ended and unresolved, it also ends in not the happiest of places, but that is where we are in our relationship right now. All stories have conflict, strife and disappointment but that does not mean that there cannot be a happy ending. Though that is not something I can write, only you; because you are half of this relationship and I cannot guide your hand over our page.