God, I hope I’m making the right decision. I literally have nobody that I can talk about this with. I’m about to leave everything that’s familiar and move halfway across the world. I’m about to burn every bridge that I spent four years building. It feels like I’m jumping off the edge of a skyscraper and I’m only half sure that there’s a safety net waiting for me.
I want to cry and have somebody tell me it’ll get better, to tell me not to give up on this yet. But all my friends have disappeared and I wonder if they were ever really there in the first place. I have no reason to stay here, hanging on for dear life to the remains of what used to make me happy. I’m not going to wait for the thread to break, I’m letting go now. I think in the end I’ll be glad that I did it, but for now all I can see is how far I could potentially fall.
I’ve spent my whole life not trying, because I was so terrified of failure… But honestly, after playing it safe and STILL being fucked over and stomped on and rejected more times than I can count… how much worse could failure be? At least I’ll know I tried. I’ve taken the easy road up until this point, and all it’s done is led me to this dead end. I know I’m far from perfect, but I also know that I’m not yet fucked up beyond repair and there’s still hope for me to change direction. I’m at a crossroads and I already know that one path leads to the same meaningless bullshit that I’ve put myself through for the past 4 years, which is all I know and therefore nearly impossible to tear myself away from. The other path goes out into the open, to a blank canvas that’s both inviting and terrifying at the same time. I don’t know where it leads, I don’t know where I’ll be in 6 months, in a year, etc. It makes me want to scream because I’ve never done anything like that before.
“A ship is safe in the harbor… but that’s not what ships are built for”
I want to stay here in my bed, because it’s safe, it’s my comfort zone. I want to close my eyes, and pretend that things are how they used to be. But every time I try that, my mind won’t turn off. It keeps me up all night, telling me that the world’s too big to lay here and stare at the walls waiting for something to happen. I can’t just wait for my life to piece itself back together in the same formation that it used to be. I’m not even sure if that’s what I want anymore; I’m realizing now how shallow it all was. I’m realizing how quickly the people in my life are willing to walk away as soon as the going gets tough. It is heartbreaking and I can feel myself starting to lose hope, and I hate that my current situation has enough power to do that…. to take away the only thing I carried with me through every single disaster and mistake that has made up my life.
I’ve seen enough of the world to know that it’s a beautiful place, and I’m so grateful for that. But I’ve also lived in this town, in this rut, long enough that I sometimes forget the world even exists at all outside of this little bubble. I want the beauty back. I want to go and have adventures. I want to take a leap of faith, even if it’s just to prove to myself that I even still have any faith left at all. So I’m leaving, starting over… I can do better than this, and I owe it to myself to do better than this. Still, I’m completely fucking terrified.
Please pray for me…