I’m not madly in love with you but I am totally smitten with you and I have been for years. We became quick friends four years ago and all because we were basically forced into eachothers lives, although we had been in the same circle of friends for years. I never really wanted to be your friend but once we started getting to know one another and our Starbucks study sessions turned into time that we would just talk about everything, I knew I had to have you in my life.
After a while you dropped a bomb on me and told me how you felt about me but at the time I had already put energy into another relationship that was taking off and honestly I don’t think you were really ready for anything, I think you just wanted to tell me because you knew how I felt about the other person. After you told me how you felt about me our relationship took on a whole new look. Even though I was with someone you still talked to me all the time and asked me if I thought about what could have been which always led to you saying that maybe we needed space, which killed me because I wanted you around all the time. Finally, I thought we found middle ground and were able to friends but then when I was single again we kissed. I instantly knew there was something there between us.
Now it’s three years later and just until recently we’ve had an on and off again friends with benefits relationship. I’ve only wanted to be with you and no one else for such a long time but you’ve been head over heels for some girl and you even dated another girl through all of this. We went months without talking while you were dating her and it was awful. Then during Christmas break, you were still dating her, and you asked me to come over late at night but I knew what could happen so I said “no” but you convinced me that you were sad that we hadn’t talked in so long and just wanted to chat. I decided I’d drop by and we talked for a while but then when I needed to leave you kissed me. I told you we shouldn’t but we did anyway. I felt so awful because it wasn’t fair to your girlfriend and then to find out that you felt like it was a mistake and you just wanted to show that you cared about me but did it in the wrong way I felt so used. Shortly after your relationship ended.
I left to study abroad shortly after Christmas break and once again we didn’t talk for months. I haven’t wanted to really admit how bad it hurt but I was heart-broken. You were supposed to be someone I could talk to; I see you as one of my best friends. When I got home I didn’t know if we would be able to be friends anymore because I was so hurt. But then we talked and I crumbled, I just wanted everything to be the same as before. And during the summer we began to rebuild our relationship and when I moved to the same college town the very first weekend of me being there you asked me to stay the night after a party, and I did. We had a few more nights of that and when I finally got the courage after all these years to ask you how you felt you told me we should just be friends. I sobbed after you told me that, I was ashamed of myself for thinking you would ever change and actually want to be with me and I was angry that even though you said that I still wanted to be with you. How stupid could I be?!
Weeks went by and my frustrations were obviously building up but I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to you about our crazy, messed up relationship. We had NEVER talked about it, it just was. Then, we went to dinner and talked about my classes which strangely enough were mirroring my life and situation with you. And finally after you convinced me that I could tell you what was wrong with me and that you had known for a while that something was wrong we talked. I was shaking I was so nervous. I told you how I felt about you and how I wished I didn’t feel that way because I knew it didn’t matter. That was the most vulnerable I’ve been in a long time and even though I didn’t like it I think you were right, not talking was killing our friendship. In the end you said we had to end the friends with benefits stuff because you felt that our friendship in the long run was more important to you than any physical relationship we had. I sat there as cool and calm as I could and took it but inside I was breaking. I wanted for someone to just once tell me that I hadn’t wasted my emotions, that I hadn’t finally been honest and open with someone for no reason and you didn’t do that.
I’m glad you want us to be friends and that that supposedly means something to you but I just don’t understand why you never want more. We get along in what seems every way and obviously we have a physical connection too. You are one of the only people that I can talk to for hours and still be sad when we have to leave because all I want is to spend more time with you. Was there ever a time when you actually wanted to be with me or have I created some fantasy world in my head made up of all the things you’ve said or done? Was it really all an act and you just wanted some action or did you really care about me and we just missed our chance because of bad timing? I don’t want to think that you would be the type of person to use someone, especially someone you consider a close friend but I’m beginning to think that that is exactly what you did and it makes me doubt everything between us.
Even after all of that I still want you.