• Double Edged Sword

    by  • November 7, 2011 • Gratitude • 0 Comments

    Holaa D-

    I go back and forth between replaying every wonderful moment of the night I met you, and wishing it had never happened. The roller coaster ride you took me on was fucking awesome, and you are an amazing person, I won’t deny that. I literally think that it’s impossible for me to hate you. You turned me from a fucked up pessimist who thought that I couldn’t trust anybody, into someone who talks to strangers and makes eye contact with people on the street… all because you showed me that it’s possible for someone to come along out of nowhere, knock down all my walls, and make me believe again.

    With you, I felt like I was the main character from one of the stupid romantic comedies that me and my best friend were obsessed with in junior high. The lonely, cynical girl who finds love where she least expects it. I never ever ever in a million years thought that would be me, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me that experience, even if it was just temporary.

    The feeling is bittersweet, though, because every day that you’re gone I feel myself slipping back more and more into the person that I was before I met you. The girl who had been fucked over too many times and was scared to trust anybody. I wasn’t happy being that girl, and you were the one who made me realize this. You briefly filled a hole that I didn’t even know I had, and then you left. It’s not fair, because now the hole is bigger than ever and I can feel it eating away at me. All I can think about is how I want to be who I was when I was with you. I want to believe, I want to hope, I want to wake up every day with butterflies in my stomach. I don’t want to go back to the skeptic that I was… but I can’t help it. You’re gone now, and I’m realizing that who I am isn’t good enough to be the girl from the romantic comedy. Because if I was, then you would have stayed. Romantic comedies always need to have a happy ending.

    Sad to say it looks like I won’t be getting mine, though, D… You’re halfway across the country now, transferred to your dream school, having a fucking blast, and I’m probably the furthest thing from your mind. Everytime I see your facebook pictures of you partying at your new college… I look at all the girls you’re with and check if they’re hotter than me. The sad thing is that most of the time they are. I’m super happy for you, honestly, because you are truly awesome and if anybody deserves to have girls falling all over them, it’s you, and I wholeheartedly mean that. Any girl in the world would be lucky to have you. I’m not mad at any of them, either, because they can’t help being hotter than me or falling head over heels for you like I did.

    But… since I can’t be mad at you, or at all the gorgeous new girls in your life, logically the only person left for me to be mad at is myself. Can’t stop thinking that there’s so much I could have done differently. Also can’t stop thinking that maybe if I was prettier, skinnier, etc. then you would still want me.

    I never told you this, but I used to make myself throw up back in high school… I got some help from a therapist and thought I pretty much had it under control by the time I got to college, but since you left I’ve been doing it again. I recognize that it’s becoming a problem but I can’t help it. Every time I hear a song that reminds me of you, or see another picture in your stupid facebook album of you with your arm around some skinny perfect blonde barbie doll, it reminds me of what I could have had. And the voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough, telling me I need to throw up my food if I ever wanna be good enough, comes back. You were the only person I’ve ever met who was able to completely drown out that voice. You shouted over it, every time you complimented me, told me all the things I needed to hear. You made me feel like I was not only good enough for you, but that you considered yourself the luckiest person in the world for having met me. I’d do anything to have that feeling back. The whole time that you were in my life, I don’t think I made myself throw up even once. I spent so much time thinking about YOU that I had zero time to think about my imperfections and insecurities. But now you’re gone and they’re ALL I can think about.

    I know I’m starting to ramble, but basically what I’m getting to is that you have no idea how much of an impact you had, and still have, on me in every way. Honestly, I think you probably have that effect on every girl you meet… which is another thing that I both hate you and love you for. I want to talk to you again so bad… there’s so much I want to tell you, so much that’s been going on in my life. I used to tell you everything, because I truly believe that you cared. And even now, I’m praying some tiny part of you still does. I don’t want to just be another girl you met at a party and hung out with until the novelty wore off. I don’t want to be replaced.

    But… I do believe that God puts people in your life for a reason, and I don’t think it was a coincidence that our paths crossed that night. I’m hoping against hope that they cross again one day, but if not, I guess that’s alright, because you came into my life at the EXACT point in time when I needed someone and I’ll always be grateful for that.

    “When you find everything you look for, I hope your life leads you back to my door, but if it don’t…. stay beautiful” X

    Gracias para todo,

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