• Waiting for the Moment

    by  • November 6, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 11 Comments

    Dear Beautiful,

    I think I’m nearly ready to let you back into my life. I could say that you have no idea what life has been like these last few months and that you couldn’t understand the condition of my heart, but I think perhaps you understand more than my heart wants to give you credit for. You lost your father several years ago, and you lost your first love several months ago. And I know those aren’t the only obstacles you’ve faced in life, but I think I might be accurate in assuming that they were among the most difficult.

    I know you understand loss, and you understand moving on. You know I’ve never dealt with any real opposition before this year began, but like a town that’s never had to handle a flood, the dam above it gave way to overwhelming pressure and the lake rushed into the town for the first time in its history, destroying houses and property. The residents weren’t prepared for the disaster, so they didn’t know how to deal with the destruction it left in its wake.

    Please understand, I’m not trying to justify the road I’ve ended up on. I’m just saying that I wasn’t prepared and I’ve made some poor choices along the way. The first was letting go of my lifelines: my faith, and you. I have tried numerous ways to use my writing to express the deep sorrow and longings of my heart, but three generic and overused words of our society capture it the best if one fully understands the weight they bear: I. Love. you. And I Love God. Forget what I said back in January. . Forget our conversation on the phone in September and the aftermath of bad decision after bad decision.

    You told me you weren’t ready for a relationship, and you insinuated that when you were, you wanted to date other people. I was no longer a factor, except for the fact that you still valued my friendship and loved me as such. I ran from that idea because I didn’t feel I could bear the weight of an un-returned romantic Love with someone I once felt so alive with. I ran because I didn’t want to feel like every conversation was a competition to try to win your heart back. And even now, I hesitate to let you back in because that’s EXACTLY how I feel our “relationship” will end up being. I don’t want to talk to you with the thought that “Maybe if I say the right things she’ll fall in love with me again. Maybe her feelings for me still exist and we’ll be together again, as more than the friendship we currently share.” I don’t want to go through that again.

    Before today I wasn’t even considering letting you back into my life, but the thought kept creeping into my mind. I don’t know if I’m ready yet, but when I am, expect to hear from me. My Love for you will never fade, but I want to make sure my mindset is where it needs to be to protect both you and myself from any more unwelcome pain or awkwardness. I still want to be there for you and support you. I want to be the brother in Christ I’m sure you need, but I still have things to take care of between me and God, too. That’s another relationship I’ve destroyed that I’m trying to rebuild. I have a feeling that the key to repairing ANYTHING with you is hidden within the restoration of my relationship with Him.

    I suppose only time will tell.

    Your persistent Husky,
    -Catcher2

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    11 Responses to Waiting for the Moment

    1. ANEWDAY
      November 6, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      This struck home….




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    2. Catcher2
      November 6, 2011 at 5:38 pm

      My letters seem to have that affect on you, don’t they.




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    3. ANEWDAY
      November 6, 2011 at 8:34 pm

      Yes. Your letters sure do. Odd how every time you write something it happens to be something that I’m going through right in that moment. God is good to put people on here who make me look up rather than around, down, or into darkness. Thanks for sharing and being open.




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    4. ANEWDAY
      November 6, 2011 at 8:37 pm

      Its funny how this relationship that I’m saying goodbye to, God couldn’t have felt more far away and in some ways I felt angry with him for… well… something that He wasn’t at fault for at all really. Your perspective on life and turning back to Him, has really made me think where I need to be in my relationship with Him too.




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    5. Catcher2
      November 6, 2011 at 9:13 pm

      I’m glad to hear that, at least as far as showing you a different perspective. As you can probably tell, I’ve had my own fair share of troubles relationship-wise, all regarding the same woman. I think my letters speak for themselves. I’ve also been struggling with my faith, but I hope that by being strong in my writings that strength will channel through to me in life.

      And I think I can feel God telling me to let go of her, too. Earlier today, not too long after this letter was published I saw another letter published, one page ahead of this one, that I am 99% sure is from her. Only she talks about letting go of me indefinitely and erasing me from her life. You may know of which letter I speak. I can’t explain how much that hurt, but sometimes God uses extremes to get our attention so that the road ahead will be easier to endure.

      Anyways, I’m sorry for the darkness you’ve endured and I’m glad to hear that my letters touch at least one person. 🙂 I’ll be praying for you, ANEWDAY, and I hope things begin to look up for you.




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    6. ANEWDAY
      November 7, 2011 at 10:06 am

      Yes. I couldn’t agree more. Your letters have a depth that pulls, tugs, and shows itself in all it’s realness. I’m sorry that you’ve been having to go through heartache, trials, questions, and struggling with your faith. It is something that I know that I struggle with too. It would be easy to say (cliche) that all we need is to just keep reading His Word to gain strength, but I struggle just to open it up even during these trying times. There are days where I haven’t forgotten to pray, haven’t forgotten to be thankful for people and situations, despite everything that has taken place so far, but that feeling of still being far away from God is still there these days.

      I learned this year that even though my feelings come and go, God never does go. He’s always there through whatever we go through. Isaiah 41:10 my favorite Bible verse that pretty much keeps me hanging on sometimes.

      I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much pain of letting go of her. I’ve had to face that over the last few weeks, and this year. I’m learning through people like you to not give up and keep trusting that God has everything in control even when in my chaotic world doesn’t show any answers right away as to what will happen and if I’ll ever reconnect with that person in the future. In so many ways, I don’t want to face the pain anymore and having things go back the way they were before… him rejecting me for me.

      I feel your pain and what you are going through. Thank you for praying for me and I will be praying for you too. It’s a life saver to have this site. Honestly, sometimes having people on here who talk about God has given me strength to get through the day.

      I didn’t see the note at first, but looked it up after you mentioned her note. I think I may have found it, and truly sorry. I know it’s painful. What I’m learning is that if even if you have felt love towards that person and shown them, but they reject then it’s time to move forward with life, surrounding yourself with people who love you, and doing things that make you happy. We don’t know what the future holds, but we do know that God can heal broken hearts. It’s hard even as I write this to eat my own words.

      Keep your chin up today. I’ll be praying for you.

      ANEWDAY




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    7. ANEWDAY
      November 7, 2011 at 10:13 am

      Hopefully I didn’t sound preachy. That was not my intent.




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    8. Catcher2
      November 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

      I understand you completely and I know the pain is difficult to deal with. But God has done some incredible things in my life already in the last few years, and every time I begin to fall away I’m reminded of just how much He has done for me and that He has pulled me out of hopeless situations before, so I need to trust that He’ll do so again: both for me, and for you.

      Trying to live without someone you Love is among the hardest things to do. But Isaiah 41:10 is a great verse, and also among my favorites, and demonstrates exactly how God see’s us through these situations. Patience is hard when we want everything to be okay NOW, but the trial by fire processes we are going through will make us stronger in the long run.

      And i have to agree with this site being a lifesaver. Considering that I’m a writer and writing is my outlet, it is incredibly relieving and therapeutic to let it all on here. I’ve written a total of twenty-two letters on here (yes, I keep track :-p ) and I’m so thankful for this site.

      Psalm 147:3 is also among my favorite verses 😉

      Your brother in Christ,
      Catcher2

      (And you were fine. Dont worry about sounding too “preachy”. I kinda make my living on “preachy”) :-p




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    9. ANEWDAY
      November 11, 2011 at 12:32 am

      I’ve been thinking over what you wrote over the last few days… it is true. God has been there so many times when I’ve needed him the most. He has been there when I had to say goodbye to my best friend in elementary school, because our family was moving to a new place. He was there when I thought I wasn’t going to survive the last couple of weeks my senior year of college and crazy me felt like taking 22 credits wasn’t enough I had to be part of different school social committees on top of that.

      Haha! He’s been there since I’ve been working through a difficult relationship that has come to an end. He is there now that I’m finding out more about who I am and wanting to become a person who is passionate about life, career, and serving people, which hasn’t always been the case. God has been there so many times. Why and how could I have forgotten all of that. It’s so easy to forget Him. But what He has done for me is not so easy.

      I think the trick for me now is finding the balance that I need as a christian. I don’t want to become superficial, or think my relationship with Him is so real that I lose sight of Him and just focus on the religion, because “we” are doing so well. Does that make any sense? I’ve done that in the past, and I don’t want that anymore. I want to find a real relationship with Him. I think the reason I’ve fallen away from God over the last 4 years, has nothing to do with the man I’ve been talking about in my letters, but the fact that God and I were not really all that strong to begin with… like I thought.

      You know that saying, “Pride goeth before the fall?” Well I ate it. I am now wanting to eat humble pie. Lol!

      I like how you mentioned that trial by fire makes us stronger in the long run. In so many ways, I don’t think if God had not allowed for all of this drama in my life to happen over the last few years, I wouldn’t be at a point now where I’m recognizing big places in my character where I need to change.

      That is my New Years Resolution and I’ve never had one before, because I always thought they were silly, but now I’m changing my mind. There is a lot of change. A lot of change. I just hope and pray it keeps going in that direction where I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

      Psalm 147:3. When I read that I thought to myself, “That is a really good verse.” Too bad there are no italics for this site, but lol I’m sure glad there is a site for times like these. Thanks for sharing!

      As far as preaching goes, haha I’m glad it wasn’t taken in the other way. =) I have rellies that make a living on preachy too… in all forms. But writing runs in the family. Best of luck in everything. Keep writing, not as an outlet to inspire others alone, but as a means to make words come alive that bounce straight from your heart and onto the musical bars of life… taking you further than where you ever thought possible to go. Live passionately. Dream big.

      Thankful for the light that you shared,

      ANEWDAY




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    10. ANEWDAY
      November 11, 2011 at 12:35 am

      Good grief! I guess I wrote a book! lol




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    11. Catcher2
      November 13, 2011 at 6:17 am

      I’m glad you’ve been able to see that. It really is a fascinating thing to look back and discover all the times God really WAS around when you thought He wasn’t. I do it quite a lot and it never gets old.

      Honestly, almost each word you’ve written in your last comment could relate to me and my situations. Like, I’m always the strong one in public, such as around family, friends, or on this site, because I want to encourage others and set an example. But when it comes to me personally, I know my relationship with God hasn’t been all that strong. “because “we” are doing so well” I think that makes perfect sense. If we never had any troubles and life was perfect, what need would we have for God? I think that’s one of the reasons He allows bad things to happen to His children, so that they will turn to Him.

      I hope your “New Years Resolution” becomes a habit that starts guiding your life. That “light at the end of the tunnel” is already there; it always has been, but we so often overlook it. As time goes on you’ll find yourself emerging from that tunnel into a whole new world, as a whole new person.

      And just a comment, but I really liked that final paragraph of yours. So poetic… I have a soft spot for poetry :-p

      Your brother in Christ,
      Catcher2

      Also, humble pie isn’t as good as it sounds, but sometimes it is necessary to consume. 😉 Just sayin’ :-p




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