I think I’m nearly ready to let you back into my life. I could say that you have no idea what life has been like these last few months and that you couldn’t understand the condition of my heart, but I think perhaps you understand more than my heart wants to give you credit for. You lost your father several years ago, and you lost your first love several months ago. And I know those aren’t the only obstacles you’ve faced in life, but I think I might be accurate in assuming that they were among the most difficult.
I know you understand loss, and you understand moving on. You know I’ve never dealt with any real opposition before this year began, but like a town that’s never had to handle a flood, the dam above it gave way to overwhelming pressure and the lake rushed into the town for the first time in its history, destroying houses and property. The residents weren’t prepared for the disaster, so they didn’t know how to deal with the destruction it left in its wake.
Please understand, I’m not trying to justify the road I’ve ended up on. I’m just saying that I wasn’t prepared and I’ve made some poor choices along the way. The first was letting go of my lifelines: my faith, and you. I have tried numerous ways to use my writing to express the deep sorrow and longings of my heart, but three generic and overused words of our society capture it the best if one fully understands the weight they bear: I. Love. you. And I Love God. Forget what I said back in January. . Forget our conversation on the phone in September and the aftermath of bad decision after bad decision.
You told me you weren’t ready for a relationship, and you insinuated that when you were, you wanted to date other people. I was no longer a factor, except for the fact that you still valued my friendship and loved me as such. I ran from that idea because I didn’t feel I could bear the weight of an un-returned romantic Love with someone I once felt so alive with. I ran because I didn’t want to feel like every conversation was a competition to try to win your heart back. And even now, I hesitate to let you back in because that’s EXACTLY how I feel our “relationship” will end up being. I don’t want to talk to you with the thought that “Maybe if I say the right things she’ll fall in love with me again. Maybe her feelings for me still exist and we’ll be together again, as more than the friendship we currently share.” I don’t want to go through that again.
Before today I wasn’t even considering letting you back into my life, but the thought kept creeping into my mind. I don’t know if I’m ready yet, but when I am, expect to hear from me. My Love for you will never fade, but I want to make sure my mindset is where it needs to be to protect both you and myself from any more unwelcome pain or awkwardness. I still want to be there for you and support you. I want to be the brother in Christ I’m sure you need, but I still have things to take care of between me and God, too. That’s another relationship I’ve destroyed that I’m trying to rebuild. I have a feeling that the key to repairing ANYTHING with you is hidden within the restoration of my relationship with Him.
I suppose only time will tell.
Your persistent Husky,