I never thought that I could actually fall for someone so blatantly un-acquirable, but clearly I have. I think it’s all those tender kisses, those caring looks, those hours of holding me when i’m crying about Nick almost committing suicide, those cuddling sessions when you’re deathly ill and you just hold me while I read my poly-sci homework.
I know that we will obviously never be together, but that only makes it worse. I also realize that, in reality, I have more from you than a lot of people will ever get from you ~ we care about each other, we spend a lot of time together, and we even occasionally have physical gratification. But I know that it doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I know that it cannot.
Sometimes, when I think of how soft your lips are, how passionate your kisses are, how broken you are on the inside, how vulnerable your soul is, I just want to come to you and hold you and be held. Because I am also broken on the inside, scarred from years of failed relationships, from attempts at making everything easier and eliminating the source, from self-doubt.
I am trying to convince myself that you and I will never be anything more than friends, but I can’t even picture myself with anyone else right now. Sure, purely physically I can be with anyone else, but emotionally my heart belongs to you and it is so scary because it is already broken.
These are the problems 14, 15, 16 year olds have. Not women that have been through years of experience with relationships.
And mostly I think it’s because you’re sensitive and tender and extremely attractive and witty and charming and a smoker and a partier and you have this brand of bad-ass that’s just one side of you and I’ve never seen all that bottled into one person. You are my type personified into a perfect human being. Or at least perfect for me.
Except that you’re gay.
I’ve fallen in love with a gay man.