• The forbidden

    by  • November 6, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning for You • 1 Comment

    Dear D,

    I never thought that I could actually fall for someone so blatantly un-acquirable, but clearly I have. I think it’s all those tender kisses, those caring looks, those hours of holding me when i’m crying about Nick almost committing suicide, those cuddling sessions when you’re deathly ill and you just hold me while I read my poly-sci homework.

    I know that we will obviously never be together, but that only makes it worse. I also realize that, in reality, I have more from you than a lot of people will ever get from you ~ we care about each other, we spend a lot of time together, and we even occasionally have physical gratification. But I know that it doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I know that it cannot.

    Sometimes, when I think of how soft your lips are, how passionate your kisses are, how broken you are on the inside, how vulnerable your soul is, I just want to come to you and hold you and be held. Because I am also broken on the inside, scarred from years of failed relationships, from attempts at making everything easier and eliminating the source, from self-doubt.

    I am trying to convince myself that you and I will never be anything more than friends, but I can’t even picture myself with anyone else right now. Sure, purely physically I can be with anyone else, but emotionally my heart belongs to you and it is so scary because it is already broken.

    These are the problems 14, 15, 16 year olds have. Not women that have been through years of experience with relationships.

    And mostly I think it’s because you’re sensitive and tender and extremely attractive and witty and charming and a smoker and a partier and you have this brand of bad-ass that’s just one side of you and I’ve never seen all that bottled into one person. You are my type personified into a perfect human being. Or at least perfect for me.

    Except that you’re gay.
    I’ve fallen in love with a gay man.

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    One Response to The forbidden

    1. Anon
      November 6, 2011 at 5:54 pm

      Wow, this situation is a lot more common than I had imagined. Trust me, I was in this deep with my best friend too, whom I found out a year in was gay. I was devastated. Felt like my whole world had been turned upside down, my whole future seemed suddenly dark and alien to me. I thought we had something, and was so sure he had to be my future. I was lost. And even when I told myself I had to accept that I could never be that person for him, for another year, until recently, I still struggled against it, still somehow allowing myself to hope and wish for more, though I knew it was impossible. He could never be physically attracted to me that way, despite the strong feelings we shared for each other. But trust me, take it from someone who has been there, and HAS moved on. I have come to appreciate what it is we do have, a beautiful, caring relationship for life. He will always be immeasurably important to me. But I know now that there is something different out there, a love that can work, one that is requited completely. When someone cares about you, but PHYSICALLY wants you that way too, it’s a whole other kind of experience. It puts what you had with your gay friend in to perspective, something you were unable to do before, because, at that time, that was the most intense feeling you had towards someone. Now you know you deserve and can have that one essential thing that was missing – mutual attraction and physical appreciation, as well as a caring friendship and tenderness. It’s the only thing that will help you appreciate what you have with him for what it is, and what it is not, nor ever will be. And it’s okay, it is beautiful and precious, but there is something out there that is different, and you won’t have to feel like this anymore.




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