• Your Birthday Candle

    by  • November 5, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    How could I? How could I let you treat me like that for so long. How did you diminish me to a level where I let that go on? You put me down for so long. It was so hard to get out of the relationship after four years of emotional abuse. It became psychological. I hate how you laugh at my expense. You get pleasure of out making me suffer. That is your thing. I know I am a kind person. I can be the meanest person, but I am not cruel. I became so scared to share any feeling or emotion with you for the mere fact that I would be yelled at or called names. It became easier to say nothing or tell you what you wanted to hear. I am treated like a burden. I shower you with compliments and try to do nice thoughtful things. I don’t think you have ever even apologized to me. You tell me you have nothing to say to me, that I am so annoying. I am drama. I could tell you that I wish the weather was warmer and all of a sudden I am creating drama. I’m a problem. I am negative. You laugh at me when I cry. You let me sleep in my car and walk miles down the street in the middle of the night with literally no care, thought or concern for my feelings or well being. It is not your problem. I was told, I don’t care what you do. My intuition never trusted you. Ever. Not even from day one. I know you lie to me, you withhold information, and you are not authentic. I always said you were the type of person that you marry and all of a sudden your house could be in foreclosure and I would never know about it. You are deceptive, manipulative, dishonest and most of all cruel. Yet, it is my entire fault. It is always turned back around upon me. You never take responsibility for your actions. You are a narcissist. How did I left this all happen? I’m sorry you felt the need to treat me this way. I honestly don’t even think you believe you have done anything wrong. You are unaware and most of all unapologetic to any of your actions. You diminished my self worth. Made me believe I was worthless. I have barely started to regain the smallest amount and can see how bad you are to me. The things you say to me. The way you actually feel about me. It makes me sick. You’re sick. I feel really sad for you. I have cried too many tears to count and now I have forgiven myself and most of all I have forgiven you. I have forgiven you bc that is you. You have been like that from day one and I let it happen. I believed that because we shared such amazing intimacy, that you were capable of having those same qualities as a man. Now I know that you don’t possess those characteristics and it is my fault for allowing you to be yourself and treat me in my eyes what I saw as poorly. I have forgiven myself and by truly coming to terms with the person you really are, I have forgiven you. I have finally let it go. The funny thing is my heart feels for you. I want to give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be ok. Sadly for you this will never happen. I’m sure you are laughing at me right now saying how lucky you are to be you and have me out of your life. I guess whatever makes it easier on you. Its hurts to know how unaware you are. But that is not my responsibility. I can’t change how you feel about a situation. I can only change myself. It’s been a long time, but I am finally okay and able to let it go. I am a bright light; sadly your room just went dark because I have walked out of the room for the last time. I think you prefer the dark; therefore I will bring my light elsewhere. Quite honestly you made me feel like one of those trick birthday candles, blown out constantly, yet I would always relighting. But now, we both got our wish, I finally burnt out and now you get to eat your cake. Goodbye and good luck.

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