Sam, Austin, Michael, and Wren.
You all treated me horribly in different ways.
Sam, I loved you so much but you had unreal expectations of me. you said you wanted me to be happy all the time, that’s not possible i have other emotions and i feel them just as much. wanting me to be happy isn’t bad but getting mad at me for being sad or angry is bullshit. when I’m sad you were supposed to be the one to hold me and tell me everything was going to be OK, that you loved me and you were sorry. but instead you got angry saying i shouldn’t be upset i should just let it go, 2 in a half years and you never learned a thing about me. i slowly stopped loving you and i know i hurt you so much the day i said it was over but you had been hurting me for months and had no idea cause you were so clueless as to how the girl you said you loved was feeling. you blamed me and my depression for everything, i wouldn’t be depressed if you would have treated me better. i could right a whole story about how you hurt me but i just don’t have the time.
Austin, you didn’t do much but it still effects me now. From the day we met i thought you were the coolest guy. you were always so nice and funny. we never really hung out though except for at dance practice. after i broke up with Sam and started dancing again you were still there. and i told you about how this was my first time being single in forever. i just wanted a friend but i guess you wanted more. you had a girlfriend who didn’t like me cause we were friends, that’s nothing new to me though. you came over and we played games and you kissed me and i did enjoy it. besides your stupid braces cutting up my lips god you were a sloppy kisser. i told you i didn’t want to do anything cause i knew i was rebounding and didn’t want to make a mistake. you said so what and i reminded you multiple times about your girlfriend. I guess you didn’t love her like you said. We almost had sex a few time but i stopped it and i am more happy about that then anything. what you did that hurt me was when i made it clear that we weren’t gonna play those games anymore you stopped talking to me. So you wouldn’t be my friend cause i wouldn’t fuck you. yeah that makes me feel great. you’re just a man whore and one day karma will get you for that.
Michael, you were so young and i tried so hard to explain to you that “us” would never happen. You were 17 and i was 20. you had your whole life ahead of you. you were a great friend and a wonderful guy. when i was having problems with Wren you were there to help me and make me feel better. Wren was so jealous of you and you were of him. You didn’t want to be my friend because you didn’t like one part of my personality, that i was flirtatious. and it hurt when i knew i had lost another friend. I stopped dancing cause i didn’t want to have to see you all the time. you had a little crush that cause our friendship to end. I’m sorry but i made my feelings clear and you just refused to listen and because of that i lost another ‘friend’.
Wren… wren wren wren… you are one fuck up after another. My emotions towards you are still so very fresh. you broke my heart more than anyone ever has. you were my best friend in high school and you bailed on me because you “had feelings” for me. you had a girlfriend who i hated but so did everyone else. Losing you killed me inside but i was with Sam at the time and i slowly got over it, never completely though. when i thought of high school and what you did to me i would always get upset. then early this year you pop back into my life. one random e-mail has put me here today. you were live in So Cal and i was in Nor Cal. We talked every night and it was wonderful we were becoming friends again. I was developing feelings for you. I knew how great we got along and how wonderful of a friend you were with the one exception. you were so far away though and you were lonely. your friend hooked you up with some girl i called Crack Whore cause i couldn’t remember her name and she well she did drugs. i could tell from one tiny picture. you started hanging with her and we stopped talking s much it upset me a little i did get slightly jealous. but you were 504 miles away. but then you say your moving back in July i was so happy. then things went in a different direction, you got a job at Big 5 i was happy for you. What was wonderful was you came and visited me on my birthday. it was the best birthday ever. we got a motel room in Chico and had the best weekend ever. i had 3 days off of work and spent them all with you. we were compatible in every way including sex. you and Sam were the only guys i’d ever slept with. when you left back to so cal i was so sad i cried so much. You said you were moving back in august and this time you actually did and that’s when we started dating. my family loved you. i said i wasn’t ready for a relationship but given time i would want to be with you completely. stress at work and the lose of all my friend had taken its emotional tole on me. after a month i felt i was ready but once October hit everything went down hill. we were fighting. we got in a fight because i was upset. the first fight was a stupid one but it had a point that you just wouldn’t see. to be honest so much has happened that i don’t really remember the first fight that well. but you said if we got into another one in less then a month that were would just be friends. you kept specifying we were just friends with benefits and there were NO STRINGS ATTACHED. Which was weird cause you want a relationship more then i did i mean you had the biggest crush on me for years. and one day i cam home and told you i wanted to quit my job. i couldn’t handle it i was crying constantly from the stress and being treated like shit. all you had to do was let me vent and tell you how i felt but no got mad at me and argued with me that you should get a say in what i do ‘if were going to be in a relationship’ i told you no you didn’t cause according to you were just fuck buddies with no strings attached. which is true you don’t get a say in if i quit my job or not. i told you i wasn’t going to quit until i had another one. apparently that was a fight to you. so you said we were just friends now. i was so angry and so upset you broke my heart again. but i knew given time we could try again when we weren’t so stressed. i drove up to your house and cried and yelled and so much more. then it was fine we were friends and everything was going fine until you said i couldn’t go to the party at Madams cause he said he wanted a guys night. well i talked to him and he wanted me there. you lied to me and when you got caught you said we shouldn’t spend more then 2 hours at a time with each other. and that was it. you were limiting our friendship because it was ‘weird’. we went to ice cream one night and saw Mike a friend from high school. and sense you and i were just friends i was trying to get you laid cause it would make you feel better. then when i was driving you home after talking to mike we were talking about dating other people and how you didn’t have the opportunity and i said well i have plenty of opportunity but not the want. after you told me about the 2hour bullshit I was angry with you. when I’m upset i like to eat fries they cheer me up, but mother had my car and i didn’t want to walk all by myself and mike saw my post saying he wanted fries as well so we decided we’d go to burger king together mother came home just as i was leaving and mike and i spent hours just sitting in burger king talking. we went to the park and smoked and i had the most fun ever. Mike and i were becoming friends and you knew it so what did you do you you attacked him. not physically. you told me how he had a kid and he was a horrible father. what you didn’t know is he was sitting right next to me reading the messages and he was telling me his side of the story. he’s trying to help his little girl but he has no job but he’s trying. you bashed on him hard and that’s when i ended our friendship completely. you know better you don’t fuck with me and you don’t fuck with my friends. the last time i saw you i tried to punch you out. i screamed and cried after you left and I’ve been so angry. You know that its all your fault and i tried so fucking hard but you, you made sure we were nothing.
Because of all you buys who have hurt me i cant trust anyone. i can’t be in a relationship and I don’t want to have friends. I’m not the only one suffering from it. Mike is now he’s the only person i really talk to and he getting the worst of me. I’m so angry ad i cant stop crying and he’s the one who has to deal with it. I hate all of you more then anything.
Sam, You’ll learn
Austin, Karma will get you.
Michael, You were young but I hope you learned from it.
Wren, I hate you so much and i hope some breaks you heart as much as you broke mine. I hope you feel so angry because of the pain that you can’t function.
Mike, I am so sorry that you will probably never see me as i once was, some who was worth a few angry moments to be around.