• Lost

    by  • November 5, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    We’ve known each other for a good two years, now. We’ve had laughs, we’ve had tears, but most importantly, we’ve had time to get to know each other; to learn each other’s fears and to comfort when one of us is down. More recently, you comforting me.

    I knew in my heart, even after our first break, letting you go which I now entirely regret, you were still there if I needed an ear.

    Earlier this year, I realized that I had to physically get closer to you. The images and words on a computer screen wasn’t enough. I knew I had to be with you. So I vowed that I’d move across the country: I’d leave behind everything I know in order to be within a close physical distance with you. You were a deciding factor between Prescott and here, and I let my heart choose.

    The first day I saw you, as in physically saw you, I thought it was a dream. For half that orientation brief, I couldn’t focus at what MSG was saying. I was too busy making myself realize that this is reality, and you were really right across the room.

    Everything thereafter was wonderful. We went to the beach, we played some Blops, and you conducted Operation Panties (which I still think is cute). We ate together, we laughed, we played, we even kissed. Let me tell you, that first kiss was like no other. I didn’t want that to end.

    Then came the FTX a couple weeks ago. The struggles at home with my mother attempting suicide and drunken aunt badmouthing me over the phone prior to it, made the FTX experience a hard one. I didn’t want to tell you what was wrong because I didn’t want you to feel pity. After returning from the FTX, I was just put into an emotional shutdown. That same aunt had left a couple vulgar voicemails and it just shut me down that whole week.

    My emotions were everywhere: angry, depressed, stressed. I know it may have seemed as though nothing was wrong at events, such as PT, LLab or the Commander’s Cup, but that’s because I didn’t want others to know something was wrong. And I think I shouldn’t have with you, Aiki, Abbey and the others, as well.

    Last weekend, I had resolved my issues, though. I talked to my mother and brought her to terms, as well as counseling with my aunt and blocking her number (as well as finding out a couple things about it). So I attempted to try and speak with you and the others once more this last week, but primarily you. However, I was afraid to actually speak to you because of how you might have felt about my behavior following the FTX, which I understand.

    But at this point, I’m afraid that I’ve lost something before fully acquiring it. I tried to speak with you on a couple occasions, but I either choked up and couldn’t get a word out, or you had already diverted your attention elsewhere. I didn’t want to burden you, so I just let it go. Then on Skype, I tried to speak with you a couple times, using cliche conversation starters… but I guess you were busy or elsewhere.

    Either way, I just feel like I’ve lost you. I wish I could just tell you how I really feel about you in person.

    Pat, I love you. That’s for damn sure. You’re constantly on my mind and the idea of being with you lifts my heart. Like the first month of this semester, it was… beyond words. I know you are busy with other things, being an outgoing person and having other friends as well, but I just wanted to let you know that. I don’t care if you read this letter and have no interest in me or such, but I just wanted to let you know how I feel.

    I love you, Pat. You never escaped my mind. I just hope that you’ll find someone that you can be happy with, too. of course, with an outgoing personality like yours… I’m sure you won’t.

    ~ Nick

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