Today I woke up thinking about you, something I haven’t done in a long time. I used to think about you 24/7. Whether I like it or not I’ll never forget you, you changed me, and a lot of it was for the better. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am today without your help and I think that makes it a little worse because you’re not around like you used to be.
I haven’t hurt like this for you in a while, but god I miss you. I thought I was in love once before you, but knowing you and how I felt for you that now seems like a crush.
Sometimes I just need to cry and let it out, once it’s out I’m okay for a little while. I remember exactly how your body looked naked, sleeping next to mine, how it felt against mine, how you used to grab my leg every time we drove somewhere. I thought of a list of things that will probably always remind me of you and here it is:
— the funny way we used to talk and how you and I were the ONLY ones who thought it was funny, and how i sometimes still do it and people look at me weird
— the way I would dance on my toes and how you used to love watching that
— the way i knew exactly what would make you laugh, EXACTLY what would make you laugh, and the way you looked when you did
— every time I hear breathe me by sia, or type o negative, or the good will hunting soundtrack
— every time I see 9 1/2 weeks, true romance, or legends of the fall
— art books filled with classically drawn naked ladies, even those ones where they make the ladies half robots or gladiators, or with monster men drooling, juxtapoz, heavy metal magazine, olivia de berardinis, and pin ups especially
— sometimes i even think “i see some butt” to myself
— my cat guapo
— whenever i see a green 4runner
— Long Island City
— extremely industrial areas, mom and pop shops and how you should shop there than a normal, big company
— Andy Rooney, Swartzreport, and public service trucks
— how just when I thought we were getting good again, I met someone else that I thought would love me the way I loved you and was too scared to let him go, because I already knew, deep down, that what I had with you was the best it was going to get, and I wanted more
I don’t know what to say other than no matter how much I tell myself that I need to move one because you’ve told me yourself you didn’t see yourself really growing up and having a future with someone. You’re 37, and I’m 22, I was with you for close to 3 years and what you did was cruel really. Thinking about it now, I go back and forth, with loving you as the person you truly are, the one you don’t show with people because you’re so isolated, to being so mad at you. Just now for the first time did I really have the thought “what would a 34 year old want with a 19 year old”. Though I did have such a good time with you, but now that I see if I don’t try to talk to you you would never talk to me. You would never make plans with me, and I thought this morning, did we have all that time together just because I was the one who pushed to hang out, and it was a little more bitter because I sort of knew that yeah, it was because I pushed for us to hang out.
And still, after everything that has happened, I still love you with just about everything I have and everything I am made of. But I’d never want to be with you, because that isn’t something I could ever say to you, and that’s not something you’d ever even think about saying to me. I want someone who loves me the way I love you(or loved, to be honest sometimes I don’t know if I could ever feel the same way about you which makes me think it’s past tense now). I used to lay in bed and cry so hard that I’d have to sit up, my throat would start hurting.
I really hope one day after years of not seeing you we bump into each other, I wouldn’t be mean, or try to show you how good of a life I have without you in it. I really think that I would just touch your face, and tell you how much I loved you in hopes that you would really understand. There are so many things that I like now because of you, so many things that will probably always remind me of you.
I feel us drifting more and more every so often, like the other day when you said you would call me back, I didn’t realize you hadn’t called me back until 2 days later, and when I did realize it I didn’t think much about it. A couple months ago, the minutes after we hung up would have started to immediately feel longer, and I would have been sure to call you back about 2 hours after.
Somehow you’ll always be my best friend, I obviously still think of you a lot, and these were the things that were on the top of my head, I’m sure I could come up with more.
I love you, and I’m sure it’s more than any one could love, or did love you, because you’re annoying. and if i sent you this letter you would surely say that I need to “take it easy”, because that’s what you said last time.