I’ve been waiting for his response. I got it two days ago. He wants separation for good. It hit me like arctic water after I read his email. Where do I go from here? How can I fathom the fact that this person that promised to love and cherish me, doesn’t want me anymore?
I don’t know about you, but being rejected is the hardest thing to even put my mind around. It’s been confusing as I try to sort through the pain of not being wanted. It’s bad enough when rejection takes place when it’s just dating, but when it’s marriage… it hurts like hell and beyond.
How do I feel? That’s a very good question. Part of me feels numb, another part wants to be loved so badly, another part of me wonders if this is the end of love in general. This fight of staying on top of the water instead of drowning has been haunting me for more than 4 years. I don’t want to move on. I love him, but another part of me can’t believe how cruel he has been treating me over the last few weeks… years… and the things he has said to me over the phone or through emails.
In a good way I’ve become more of myself again, but in other ways I’ll never quite be the same after this intense blow of…well….marriage. I’ve had dreams over the last few years about having children. Just this evening I was in a meeting and I looked over at my friend’s baby. Dreams of being a mother, of being a wife who is cherished by her husband are plummeting down a dark hole. It’s dropping so low my hands can’t reach out to grasp it no matter how hard I try. It’s hard to fathom that I probably will never grasp that dream…
Secretly I keep to myself at night and cry in bed. Where was my knight in shining armor that I had prayed so hard for all of these years growing up? Is it possible that there could be a man out there that wants what God wants? I thought I had him, but he openly has given up the fight for me, and has lain down his sword. Where is the justice in that? I feel like I got ahead of God and ignored all the warning signs when we first met. I prayed hard for all the terrible gut feelings to go away, but even up until my wedding day they didn’t go away. Why didn’t I pay attention?
Who has caught my empty arms and silent tears? I wish it was him. My pillow. It’s my pillow instead. God has heard my cry. I have tried to blame God, but that has gotten me no where except heartache to realize there is no one to blame except myself.
It hasn’t even been two months yet since we’ve separated and he is already cutting me off from everything and telling me what is his and what is mine. I don’t care about the money, the car or anything materialistic! I just want to be loved and treated like a human being, and not emotionally abused all the time. He doesn’t want to change.
I thought it would just be separation for now and we would somehow get back together and work things out. To my utter shock he doesn’t want it. It was never his intention to really work things out the two of us. Do I hold onto hope for the next year? Do I say to myself don’t hope and move on with my life? I must move on with my life, but do I close my heart off to really hoping that maybe he’ll change and want me back somehow? In one year it’s divorce or waiting to settle in court in another year.
Then again, after everything that he has put me through would I really want to face that risk of ever going back to the way things were before? It feels so good to be more of me again, and to discover even more since we’ve separated. I feel like in so many ways I can breathe again…safely. Isn’t that pathetic?
I keep trying to remind myself that if he doesn’t want me then it’s his loss in front of my friends, but secretly I don’t really believe it. If he doesn’t want me then maybe nobody will…