I’ll never understand why you stopped loving me. When you sat me down and said, “I don’t want to be married to you,” in that moment my heart stopped beating. Your face was so cold and now it’s stuck that way in my memory. It hurts to see you with no emotion.
When you came back from war, something I know I will never understand…you were no longer you. As far as I could see…you died in Afghanistan. Your body came back but everything you were is dead now. You have no emotion. You weren’t mad, sad, hurt, angry….you were nothing. No expression crossed your face.
I’ll never get how you could change your mind. One day you called and said, “I’m going to marry you someday.” I thought you were insane. I said, “You’re drunk…call me when you’re sober.” So you called me the next day and the next and the next. You kept calling to tell me how much you love me and to convince me to love you again. I fell for your conspiracy. I fell into the pit of love…with you.
And then…you changed your mind. How? A year and a half later I’m still heartbroken. I haven’t found anything or anyone to fill the void where my other half once was. We became one, you know? So when you left me you took half of me with you. Except…I made you my all…so all of me disappeared.
I ran far far away. As far south as I could go without leaving this country. But running hasn’t helped. All the misery filled memories of you are still with me. They follow me everywhere I go.
I know you are with her still. That little girl that once told me, “I hope you find someone to love you the way your husband loves me.” I know you two are being blessed with a child soon. It hurts me to know she gets the life that was suppose to be mine. I know you love her…atleast I think you do. But is it so wrong of me to hope that you regret leaving? I’d like to think that you think of me everyday and that I haunt you just as much as you haunt me. But reality tells me that my hope is a lie. You don’t think of me. You don’t love me anymore. You never did.
Hmmm…the truth sucks. But I know I have to get over believing the lies that you ever cared. I thought those lies would be better to believe so that I could get through the day feeling a little better about myself. I would rather believe the truth though. Although it’s more difficult. NO…I don’t hate you. NO…I don’t hate her. But I hate everything about both of you.
I want to say goodbye to you and all that you took from me. I want to start over. I have started over on the outside. It looks all clean and cut to be made new here. My new friends and my new life sees nothing wrong. But the truth is hidden deep down inside of me. I’m not okay. And divorce has been a death. It isn’t a separation….it’s a death of one person. Us. We are gone…and I’ve been buried alive. So goodbye. I’ll never be the same. This isn’t something I can just get through and be done with. I’ll just learn to live this way now. Because there is no other way.
Goodbye Jacob. I still love you.