• I could

    by  • November 4, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 2 Comments

    I could sit here and tell you about my past. The fact that my dad left 6 years ago, which honestly is a little weird I don’t think I’ve thought about how long it’s been in a really long time. I can actually tell you the exact day he pulled out of the driveway for the very last time. I can sit here and tell you that at one point I stood up for him, to everyone who said something bad about him or his new wife (I guess she’s not that “new”, but to me she is). Now that I look back I think I stood up for him because I wanted so bad for him to be that dad I had grown up with, the one where we had that father daughter relationship. I wanted so bad to just have my dad back, and to this day and at times I still do. A father figure in my life, to sit on the porch and protect his little girl from the boys I bring home or to tell me I look beautiful when I head out with my friends. But the truth is he never has met any of my friends or boyfriends. He’s never seen me all dressed up for a high school dance, walked across that stage for graduation, dropped me off at my first day of college. Told me everything is going to be alright when the world seems to be on my shoulders. No he hasn’t, we haven’t had a civilized conversation in a little over 3 years. I miss him but I’m not sure if he misses me, or loves me any more I’m not sure if I love him either. One day I’m sure he will want to know what is going on in my life, and I will tell him. But for now I am a sophomore in college on my own two feet and the support of the most awesome mother. I could sit here and tell you how many friends have left, gone on to new beginnings, how many haven’t even tried because I’m quiet. I will sit here and tell you the people who stay and who know all of your quirks and imperfections and still stay are the ones you can trust. I can tell you I have walked away from the three men I have like in the past and why I did. But in that explanation I will realize it was me who didn’t trust, who couldn’t realize I should have listened to my heart, and to this day I miss them. I’m not stuck in the past, believe that, I’m just trying to learn from the past and my mistakes. I can sit here and tell you I want to be loud and outgoing, energetic and spontaneous. But that is a lie mainly to myself, to help me understand why I am who I am and why my life is the way it is. It’s one of those if only moments… If only I was this I would be this or my life would be so much better. Then I stop myself and tell myself I am who I am, I am quiet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say. I’m sarcastic but I am in no way a b*tch. It’s my way of dealing with life and the hurdles that come my way. I will tell you I am a physics major because it’s what I want. You can call me crazy or idiotic, honestly I know it’s going to be hard, and I don’t know if I can do it. But I’m willing to try and as long as that holds true I need to know you have my back.
    …I just need to know someone has my back.

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    2 Responses to I could

    1. a
      November 4, 2011 at 2:11 pm

      We have so much in common. My dad is still in my life, but in the same peripheral way he has always been. My dad is an alcoholic, and has spent over half my life in prison. I’ve also let go of 3 guys that I loved, probably out of fear. And I’m even a sophomore in college. I feel for you, and I love you. I’m glad you are a good enough person to say if your dad returned, you would welcome him. He suffers himself; I believe he loves you, and hurts just as my dad does because of his mistakes. My letter to my dad: Dear Dad, don’t make me cry


    2. SS
      November 4, 2011 at 5:46 pm

      Yes we do, feels good to know I’m not alone. I will welcome him but I don’t see us ever going back to being father and daughter, more acquaintances which kinda sucks. He has no idea who I am as a person and that bothers me. At a point you just have to say “I forgive you, not because what you did was ok but because I’m not going to let you ruin my happiness anymore”.



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