We have never met, and I honestly hope that it will stay that way. I have wanted to contact you for years to warn you but was never brave enough to write the letter and actually send it to you.
I have no idea how your relationship with A.R is going. Since he and I broke up I have done my best to forget him and avoid finding out any details of his life. When I found out that you two were dating, about 3 years ago, I wanted so badly to write this to you. For weeks I messed myself up over the idea but was too scared of him and the possible consequences to do say anything.
He was sexually and physically abusive to me for some time during our relationship. He raped me many times and hit me. He would use his religion to control me and guilt me into behaving a certain way that never quite felt right. I stuck around for years hoping that somehow things would just get better and that I would eventually make him happy enough that he would stop hurting me. We were engaged to be married, and we were planning to start a family. I am so grateful that we never got married and that I never had his children.
The memories of the experience continue to destroy my life. My doctor officially diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and severe anxieties. Nightmares disturb me almost every day and there is constant fear when I leave my apartment that I will see him again. In crowds of people I have panic attacks because I think I have seen his face.
I have 3 therapists and will be joining a Rape Trauma group soon. I want to get over this horrible thing and move on with my life. I want so badly to be happy. One day I will be brave enough to tell you all this properly.
I am in a wonderful relationship with a man who respects me for who I am and as a woman. We are expecting our first child in the Spring, and when he asks me to be his wife I will be only too joyful to say Yes.
For you I can only hope that A.R has changed, or that you are so strong that he would never try to hurt you the way that he did me. I hope that you are smarter than I was and that if he tries to control you or hurt you that you would do what I never felt able enough to do – leave him.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t report him to the police the first time it happened and get him punished as he deserves.
For my unborn child’s sake and for my own I write this anonymously as practice for the day I am brave enough to face you and tell you about the A.R I knew and lived with.
Please take care of yourself,