It’s taking everything I have not to text you right now. My mind has come up with a dozen different excuses to, but I know the real reason…even just a momentary electronic connection with you is better than nothing.
It is absolutely maddening not to be able to get my brain and heart to work in concert with one another. No matter how many times I repeat the litany of rational, logical, really good reasons we can’t be together, my heart wants what it wants and that seems to be all there is to it. I should be able to control myself better, but I can’t.
I miss you. We hung out just last night, and yet I miss you. Someone put it perfectly tonight – my every connection with you, seeing you, spending time with you, talking with you, releases a dopamine shot to my brain. When I don’t get those things, I go into withdrawal. I feel like a junkie.
This need is beginning to corrupt even the time we spend together though. It takes everything I have not to just expose my heart to you. Tell you all the insanity that’s inside of me, both because you’re my best friend, and because I so desperately want to know that you feel the same way about me.
That’s an illusion though, because I know you don’t. Despite that, my brain keeps track of every little show of affection from you. Every smile, every time our eyes meet, every time you willingly stroke my hair.
So many things stand between us, and I don’t know if those things come before or after the fact that you’re not in love with me. Just this instant, my traitorous brain added the word “yet” to that sentence. What am I supposed to do with this?
I respect you, I admire you, I look up to you in so many ways. I know that you can’t even conceive of someone feeling that way about you, and I wish so much that I could have the opportunity to spend a lifetime teaching you that it’s possible.
I said I wanted to learn how to play with fire, but the truth is…I have been for a long time. It’s enveloped me though, and I’m afraid of what it’s doing to me. The alternative does not exist for me though. And so I burn.
“Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”