• I think !

    by  • November 3, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    Thank you for last night!

    Somehow it feels like it was the last.

    It will never be the same again since I am giving up fighting for you.

    I think,

    I have somehow said goodbye,

    deep inside.

    Trying for the moments in the moments only from now on.

    Funny how oblivious many men are, thinking that everything will always be alright. It never is and never will be, by merely pushing things aside.

    Never thought I would, never did before, but now, comparing you to my Ex
    this way, almost makes me laugh.

    We were separated for more than five years and after finally signing the divorce papers, I had to ask if he knew why? His words were exactly, word for word, the same then the ones you keep saying – except past tense:

    “I felt that we would be alright”

    Sad, really while for years I have been nothing but open, and honest, and pointing out exactly of what is NOT alright. Trying, giving, hurt and I did never even loved him, not even remotely close, to the way I love you!

    I guess, I was never worth any effort.
    Maybe my dream of love is unrealistic? Too much?

    All I ever wanted was to feel loved and safe, instead of the constant battle having to protect myself from pain – after being too open with my heart and feelings. Just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am, and not what others want me to be.

    I think,

    I finally learned my lesson and here it is:

    For most it’s harder to believe honesty over games
    The one who loves is not the blind one – the one who is loved, often is.

    Maybe, I am the blind one you say?
    NO, because nobody ever cared enough to see the real me, all of it, not bits and pieces of me. People always see what they want to see, only.

    You, my love, of what I thought of as love of my life? You are just the same and will never know of HOW much more this hurts, because I gave you so much more. You, I gave everything.

    I will re-learn to be happy without it!

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