I wish I could tell you that I spent an hour in the shower crying my heart out and praying to God that I didn’t love you as much as I did. I don’t know if you understand just how much you mean to me. But let me just make it simpler for you by explaining it as bluntly as I can.
I love you so much that despite everything and every reason that my family and friends gave me, I stayed with you and to this day, I still get ridiculed at home for it. I gave you all of me including my most sacred intimate part because I wanted to show you how much you meant to me. I died the day you left me, and that metaphor might as well have been true. I suffered more than I could ever imagine in those two weeks without you and even more the night I found out about her. I’ll never understand what you saw in such a destructable woman. But despite being so brokenhearted beyond repair I took you back eagerly no matter how bad I tried not to. And for that, I was looked down on even more. I can’t go one day without being teased and made fun of so cruelly at home. And I still stay by your side. I was loyal despite the fact that I was so far away at college. All I cared about was you. And after the drama she brought me, it only got worse. I spent every moment I could with you that I neglected my family, and you took it as needy, when the only reason was because I rarely got to see you and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to the next week or so. I was moving and I didn’t care what I had to do or what part of my wellbeing I would risk as long as it was with you. I lost my trust in you and now that I’m miles away, I’m dying. I stress so much as to what you’re doing and if you care so much that I’m not myself anymore and it’s becoming so unhealthy that I’m losing touch with everyone including myself. It’s killing me that all I can think about is you. It’s becoming an obsession that despite my hints or long explanations, you still can’t grasp the concept that the stress from my past and the distance is taking it’s toll on me. My identity is lost to me and it’s not right. I love you more than I love myself and it’s becoming a hazard to my wellbeing. You’re killing me, Mike. I love you so much that’s it’s become harmful and I just wish you could understand me. Just please understand why I do what I do. It’s for a good reason. Help me out because I’m not sure and can go on living as an empty shell anymore….
I love you….too much.