it’s funny. all i want is to understand. or accept that you’re a liar and that there is nothing to understand.
when you love someone as much as you claimed to love me…when you can’t do anything but think about them, when the chance that you might be losing them makes you feel numb, paralyzed, and heartbroken, when you can’t get enough of them, when you would spend every waking second with them if you could, when you imagine your entire future with them, when you make plans, when the thing you claim makes you the happiest person in the world is being their boyfriend, loving them, being loved by them, holding them, kissing them, waking up next to them, and everything in the world that includes them…you don’t give up.
it’s really that simple. someone told me the other day that the difference between girls and guys is that girls fight for what they want; they hold on to love with everything they can and they never give unless they KNOW. she explained that guys run. she said that when things get scary, hard, or complicated they take off. they take the easy way out. i don’t know if this is always true, but it’s true for us i think. you’re a pessimist. you don’t fight for anything. god forbid a challenge comes your way. you’ve had life handed to you. you’ve never had to work for something, feel true loss, or face any true hardship. you’ve never had to hold onto something so tight and work like hell to keep it in your life because everyone has given you everything. everything has just always been there for the taking.
i am sorry to inform you that love requires all of these things. love isn’t easy. true love is painful. it’s hard. it takes effort. it takes a fight. and until you can learn to take chances, to work at something, to work for something, to care about someone more than yourself, to put in real effort, and to have something in your life that’s not easy…love won’t be for you.
i’m a giver. i always have been. i take care of people.
you drained me though. you took everything i offered, and never offered anything in return. every time i left being with you i felt exhausted. i felt like nothing i did was appreciated or enough. i felt like the most beautiful thing about me went unnoticed. and when the time came that you took my heart…i realized i couldn’t and shouldn’t take it anymore.
the first few days were hard…but i’ve realized something. and this something helps me so much.
you never deserved me. i deserve someone who can love me as much as i love them, and in that fight for me as much as i would fight for them. that’s not you. you can’t fight for anything. you can’t work at anything. it’s easy or it’s not, and if it’s not…it’s not worth it to you. i have a big heart. i have a lot to give. i’m vulnerable. i don’t know my limits with love, giving, and taking care of others. i don’t have high self esteem. i’m strong, but i’m fragile.
most of all, though…i’m deserving.
i’m deserving of someone who can love all of me, and give me everything in return that i deserve. i deserve love. i deserve someone who is willing to fight for me. i deserve someone who can make me a true priority. i deserve someone who can do more than take. i deserve someone who can give. i deserve to be appreciated.
i deserve someone who loves me so much that he wouldn’t walk away from a fight.
i deserve more love than you were ever capable of giving me.
i love you, but i deserve more.
i wish you had realized it. i wish you hadn’t walked away. i wish you had the fight in you. i wish you were able to act on the love you so deeply claimed to have for me.
it breaks my heart that you didn’t.