• dear anyone who will listen

    by  • November 2, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Wish • 2 Comments

    things have gotten so out of hand

    my friends dislike me, and i’m not even just saying that. we usually do something fun for someone’s birthday, like hang out or have a sleepover. but…they didn’t do that for me. and i got mad, and i sent an angry text.
    they said,
    “why didn’t you apologize? that was really hurtful”
    WHY didn’t you apologize, why didn’t you ask me to do something?
    why do i always have to apologize to you? don’t you even know how much that hurt my feelings? it was the cherry on top of this huge shit cake that has become our friendship over the past year
    i try to be there for all of you
    to be encouraging or whatever you need. but can’t you guys see that i am struggling? or do you even care to ask how i am doing?
    because i am SCREAMING with unhappiness on the inside. crying, hating, banging, cutting. myself.
    i just wanted you to show me that you cared. because god oh god i care so much.
    and then you, you. i still feel like this is middle school and you’re ignoring me. but it’s not, i’m 17, i’m older. and it shouldn’t make me upset. but it does.
    and while i was taking some scissors and carefully digging them into my shoulder, were any of you even thinking about me?
    why am i even here if so few even care to enjoy my company
    talk to me
    show me you care

    2 Responses to dear anyone who will listen

    1. L.
      November 2, 2011 at 9:24 pm

      I care.

    2. Fred
      November 9, 2011 at 7:53 pm

      As a fellow mortal, I beg you to listen to L.
      He does care. As do I.
      Before I speak any further, let me tell you something: I’m 18. Four years ago in 9th grade my four best friends, each of whom I’ve known since I was 8, abruptly stopped talking to me altogether. As far as I know I never did anything to earn their ire, frustration, disgust, or boredom. It simply happened. I asked questions immensely similar to your own.
      Albeit silently.
      I hated them, quietly, for nearly two years. I simply did not understand. I have never felt so betrayed or confused. But when those two years had passed, I realized something: when I felt that they stopped talking to me, I stopped talking to them. I never expressed a single ounce of hurt or truth.
      I feel that if I had communicated to them my feelings, they would still be my friends today. For how can I know if it was they who stopped talking to me… or me who stopped talking to them?
      My point is that you need to speak to your friends. Speak to them earnestly and with as clear a mind as you can muster. If your words stem from love, they will hear. They will understand.
      And if they don’t, you ask? Well, then they aren’t friends worth having.
      You may have already figured out how to approach the situation yourself, as far as I know. You may be feeling even worse due to unsaid developments.
      But know this: the answer to your question of why you are here if so few people care to enjoy your company? The answer is because there ARE people here to enjoy your company.
      Don’t tell yourself that there aren’t. I don’t care what your background or personality is. I promise you there are people who care. L, whoever he or she is, does exist. As do I. Though we will almost certainly never meet, the two of us our living proof of that.
      And you will find more of them. Just be yourself, and you will find them.
      I’m crying a bit as I type this. Heh… just promise me you’ll be strong, okay? Don’t disbelieve what I’ve said. And there is no need to hurt yourself physically. Please don’t do that anymore. I’ve felt the urge myself sometimes… but it will only make the other pain worse. You have the strength to stand tall and proud of being yourself because, well, everyone does. Especially the ones who would never suspect or believe it.

      Go forth and know that as long as you speak, you will be heard.

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