• Counting Down the Grains

    by  • November 2, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Lost Love • 1 Comment

    Why must it seem as if time is just crawling by, as if each grain of sand falls individually, and all other grains in the glass must wait to fall until the one falling finally lands? And there are so many grains of sand waiting to fall, more than what you will find on the beach, at least so it seems.

    Perspective is everything.

    It’s November now. Two more months and it will be a whole year since I foolishly let go of the girl of my dreams. Two more months until I can no longer say “A year ago we were doing this…” because nothing good has come after that foundation-shaking day at least between the two of us. Now I’m waiting for the hourglass to empty, for the final grain of sand to fall, to indicate the day when the memory of you fails to break the barrier between past and present, when I might find true, lasting Love.

    But the sand falls too slowly…

    I rarely hear anything about you any more. I still talk to your one friend on the other side of the country and every once in a while she’ll mention you, but it’s usually only when you piss her off. You two always seem to be fighting these days. I hate that second-hand reflection that crushes my hopes that you have grown. Indeed I want you to be happy, but I fear that you have deliberately stunted your growth because of the effort required to sustain it.

    I still pray for you regularly.

    I haven’t seen you in person since the end of July. I haven’t spoken to you since the middle of September. Those moments seem so much further away than they actually are. I’m constantly fighting depression — struggling to keep my head above the water as if a sea monster has a hold of my leg and is trying to drag me under. I still don’t now how I’ve held on this long.

    But the beast is relentless.

    I have such a passionate heart and a romantic perspective, but I no longer have an outlet for my heart and mind except through my writing that only strangers will ever see. My love for you helps neither of us because of the nature of that love. Wrong time. Wrong place. Probably wrong person. *sigh* Yet you refuse to leave my mind, even though you reject my attempt at a second chance. So I’m stuck staring at this hourglass, counting the grains as they are released.

    The glass is still too full.

    One Response to Counting Down the Grains

    1. AutumsMoon
      November 2, 2011 at 10:41 pm

      Love can be so difficult. It can leave you feeling heavy, drowning or it can leave you feeling light, with wings to fly so high there’s no coming down. You have the ones who come and go. The ones who notice, just “notice” how heavy your heart is with Love but they are not willing to carry it…but then you have the ones who take it one. That one person who will hold your heart no matter the weight. They hold on to it knowing there’s a chance of drowning, but still this one special person will hold..keep you from drowning, the both of you. Because you too, will hold that other persons heart. Creating a balance. I know time is lengthy, and they say “in time” you will heal. Its okay, just let go. Let go of all the pain and hurt from this experience. Take each day, each month, each year with one foot in front of the other. No matter how tempting it is to let that sea monster pull you under..don’t. This special girl is out there for you. You may even go through many more in the years to come. Each and everyone will be an experience. A lesson or journey to help you grow. I..in a way know how you feel. I have faith and hope in you, try to smile.

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