• Calvin

    by  • November 2, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 0 Comments

    We were so young. I met you six years ago, in 7th grade. I don’t know what was so appealing about you. You wore simple athletic shorts and a plain t-shirt every day. You had simple blonde locks and a chubby face. I think it was your personality, your charm. We immediately became best friends. It was instant. We just clicked…

    You were a big part of my high school career. If I had to write one paragraph summarizing those four years, a big chunk of it would be about you.

    I don’t know how to define us. There’s no word in the dictionary (even Urban dictionary) that could explain what kind of relationship we had. I spent most of my time thinking about you. I talked about you to all of my friends and when I wasn’t doing that, I was praying someone would bring you up so I could just talk about you more. I thought we were in love. I’m still not sure if we were and I don’t think I’ll ever find out. It was too complicated. …That word is so familiar. It was used to describe us far too many times.

    We were best friends. That was true. We were inseparable most of the time. We knew everything about each other. We told things to each other that we would never tell anyone else. We helped each other through anything ranging from family fights or even tutoring. I brought you to my mom’s work and you brought me to meet your uncle’s family. We were best friends.

    We never actually had a long term relationship. We never held hands too much or went on dates like normal couples. We usually just dated for a month and got crazy sick of each other. The part that killed was that we couldn’t ever let each other go no matter how bad we fought. If that kept happening, how come we couldn’t just stay together? It was like we couldn’t live with each other, but also couldn’t live without each other. Notihng was stopping us but us. Nothing worked. No matter what, one of us wasn’t satisfied. Something was always wrong or missing. If we tried dating someone else, we would end up cheating and breaking up with them just to get back together. I hated hurting so many boys, but I couldn’t help how I felt about you. ..But in the end, nothing worked. It was impossible. Us together was impossible.

    It took about two years to finally find someone else that stuck. Funny thing was that we both did around the exact same time. I know that my relationship with him is incredible, but nothing like ours. Ours was crazy and wild. It was passtionate and unpredictable, amazingly spontaneous.. and sometimes, I really miss it.

    The two years we spent together on and off were crazy. The emotional highs and lows I went through with you caused major changes in my grades and totally ridiculous drama between friends. There were such amazing times as well has horrible and miserable times. When things were going well between us, they were the happiest days of my life. I felt like nothing could bring me down. But I can honestly say that no one has ever hurt me the way you have. (I still remember the nights I spent crying myself to sleep or the days I spent alone in my room waiting for a phone call.) Knowing this, a normal person would walk away and never look back. But we were different. We were best friends that couldn’t stop caring. I knew I loved you, as a friend and as more. But that “more” was something that we obviously couldn’t give each other.

    We spent our whole senior year apart. We remained faithful to our significant others for once, and we barely talked. I thought about you all the time, but there was nothing I could do. I fell in love with the boy and I know you fell in love with her too. I was jealous you never treated me the way you treat her, but I know that she is better for you. I had no idea how I was going to graduate without talking to you about us. When I got the courage to talk to you, it surprised me how well it went. I still remember the conversation like it was yesterday. It was probably the most serious one we have ever had. We agreed that we loved each other at some point..but we just weren’t ready for each other. We just needed to grow up and we needed to find someone else that better fit our needs at the time. I guess that’s the best we could explain it, but I was happy enough knowing he felt the same way. Although the closure, was terrible, I accepted that that was all I could get at the moment.

    We graduated and you moved to a different state for college. It really makes my heart hurt thinking about you sometimes. It also makes me laugh because people still compare relationships to ours. It hurts talking to you but it also brings me a lot of joy seeing how well you are doing. I watched you grow up with no father figure around and I am so proud of you for achieving so much.

    Honestly. I wish we could have made it. I really believed for a while that we belonged together. I always think about “what if” and think about how different those four years would have been. At the same time, I am glad we didn’t because you taught me a lot. And without you around, I was able to meet the person I am with now, and I am really happy with this boy. Maybe you prepared me for him. Either way, life has come and gone and I appreciate your part in my life.

    I will always love you. I never want you to know how much I still care about you. I don’t wish to ever be that vulnerable against you again. I just want everyone to know how much you mean to me. You deserve only the best. One day, I hope to look back on our relationship and smile. I hope you’ll never forget me.

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