We agreed that if/when it ended that we would still hang out, and be just as buddy buddy as we had been as though nothing had changed. And I meant it, I really did.
I had an inkling that you didn’t want to continue things with me BEFORE you had even left, even with the sweet messages you’d sent me. It felt like you were pulling away, but not ready to just dump me. Perhaps you were hoping we would just drift naturally and painlessly, or maybe you wanted me as a fallback.
And while I didn’t realize for a long time, about a month and a half into your trip/journey, but I was holding out for you and becoming more attached in the process.
Facebook certainly didn’t help, I went in there one day to check out your profle picture, maybe say something nice about it, and found myself looking not just your page, but the pages of people you’d interacted with like a complete creep.
I ended up putting your profile on ignore the moment i caught myself, I’ve never acted this jealous before and I really didn’t want to obsess over you like that.
It took a month after you got back before you told me you didn’t want to do anything but be friends with me, and i spent the better part of that month trying to meet up with you, even though I sensed you just weren’t as interested.
I know i’m usually a casual fling at best, and often a rebound. But that has never bothered me as i’ve never been in a relationship and never actually looked for one.
You were as open about your intentions as you could have possibly been and I knew from the get-go that we would likely not be a long term thing.
But before I knew it myself i was hoping we would be, really damn hard.
I don’t regret not meeting you for coffee a couple weeks ago when I asked you out and you told me it would be just as friends, but I should have just rescheduled it or something. I told you I was taking it worse than I thought I would, and i’m very glad that’s all the detail I went into.
I told you yes at first that’s fine…but I felt awful, and was dreading it too much to go through with it, texting you exactly what was on my mind. That I just couldn’t face you.
Now I feel like i’ve closed a door on you, and really wished i’d been more tactful about it. I’m trying to screw up the courage to text you now since you havn’t replied since I told you how I felt.
…I will soon. I’m not dumb enough to just let this go because i’m afraid you might be angry.
I just don’t know what to say at all.
There’s no real sense in not signing my name, if you actually read this you’ll know who I am anyway.
But i’m not gonna, i’m not sensible.
I’m you’re no good teen.