I can still remember the day that I asked you out. We were lying in bed together, drinking in the moments after we just shared the most passionate kisses between two people. You were difficult. You not only wanted me to ask you out, but you also wanted specific words. I laughed, why does it matter what we say as long as we are together?
I never imagined that that was what was missing in our relationship. What we said, we did not mean, and what we did not say ended up destroying us. I wish I could have been there for you. Given you everything that you wanted. I am not like your ex, I never was. I won’t do everything you say, and I won’t buy you everything you want, but I will love you with all my heart, I will be there to share the moments with you, and I will be yours.
However, it ultimately was not meant to be. If it was, I suppose you would still be here. This is the big one. This is the last fight. We fought hard with each other, trying to see each other in different lights, in order to justify why it was that we were together.
I still love you. I still want you despite everything. But I know I cannot. I know that I cannot be with you. I will not be with you. Your calls, texts, e-mail, all drive me crazy as I just want to break down and cry. I wish I could cry. I feel broken. Why can’t I cry? Am I a robot?
I miss waking up next to you, I miss seeing your smile, and simply hearing your voice. I do not miss the distrust, I do not miss the lies, I do not miss who you were. I miss who I saw, who I held dear. I am frustrated, and I want to change. I want to be a better person. I want to make you jealous and regretful. But I know that if I do that, I will not be living life for me and that is what I need.
I do not know if I will meet someone soon or later, but I do know that right now I’m focusing on me. I am learning the piano now. Hoping to express myself and test myself to my own limits, and see exactly where I stand in life. I really do wish you the best, and I hope that you live well.
Whatever choices you make, I wish I did not care, but I do. At least for now. And that is what hurts the most. But I know I will move on, and so will you. It’s going to be hard now, but it’ll get better.
I’m doing a lot of praying right now to search for comfort and answers, and hopefully the Lord will answer me and grant me this peace.