We haven’t talked in a while, and it’s been killing me. When we first became friends, I knew there was something I liked about you from the beginning. I’ve read before that chemistry (in the sense of relationships to people) is basically a front that allows us to be shallow, but after spending time with you, I don’t believe it.
When we started our secret physical relationship, I thought I knew what I was getting into. How was I supposed to know that it would be way more than I bargained for? I told you this before, I’ve gotten pretty good at separating romantic feelings from sex…but not with you.
I know I said I’d never tell, but A. you have to understand how much this weighs on my mind every day. I’m sure you battle with your guilt too, but at least at the end of the day you have someone to go home to, comfort you and tell you she loves you. I don’t have that, and it hurts knowing that I can’t be the one that tells you that.
I’m so conflicted because of this. First, I kind of feel my heart has been turned to ice. For almost the entire time of our affair, I felt almost no remorse for her because over the past few years I’ve become a pretty bitter person when it comes to relationships. You know that saying “misery loves company”? Well I’ve used that to rationalize being your mistress. That scares me because I’ve always been about helping people and empathetic to others. Another thing that I’m conflicted on is let’s say I do get to be with you…what is going to stop you from doing the same thing to me? “Brotip #25- If she cheated with you, she’ll cheat on you.” That being said, part of me wants to get inside your head and figure out what I REALLY mean to you, but at the same time I don’t because I’m scared of what I might find.
So the smart thing to do in my case is to walk away right? Well I tried that, but you know as well as I do that I can’t say no to you. I even tried finding someone else. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough but I still can’t get you out of my head. The logical conclusion to why I like what it is we had going on so much is because I want something I can’t have…but I honestly believe it’s more than that. I like everything about you, I like you for who you are, and you always know what to say to me to make me feel better/special/happy. The first time you kissed me, I knew that there was some serious chemistry between us.
It’s probably a good thing that we haven’t talked in a while, but I miss the hell out of you. To be honest A. I wish I could tell you that I love you but I’ll never send this letter so you may never know how I truly feel. It’s been really hard for me to express my feelings since I had my heart broken, and because we’re a secret, I can’t really even talk this one out.
I’ve been alone for too long now, and I’m starting to feel that I’m unlovable (but I probably deserve that). I’m yearning to be loved back and as much as I want it, I can’t get that from you. I told you once before that if its meant to happen between you and I, it will. I still believe that. Until then, I’m going to try my hardest to move on.
I love you A. but true love isn’t something you have to hide.