• Suicide

    by  • October 31, 2011 • Betrayal • 1 Comment

    This should probably be classified under one of those letters I should never send, but this one I have every intention of sending.

    You screwed me over.

    You led me on. I know I have already been over this with you, but what was going through your mind when you initiated a relationship? You must have had some sort of clue that your semester was (a) going to be difficult and (b) that you were going to need a decently high GPA. So why on earth would it seem like a good idea to start a relationship? What you did to me is not acceptable. You must have had suspicions that the relationship was bound to fail from the very start, yet you still pressed on and led me on.

    Not to mention that if you would just not smoke every single night, you would have much more money to visit me and more time to talk to me on the phone or skype. But wait… we all know how precious that high feeling is for you. It takes priority over your own girlfriend.

    Now I get admitted to the mental hospital. You did not even bother to try to contact me. Not through facebook, text, or through any of my family (which you could have easily contacted). You would think that if someone you “loved” ended up trying to kill herself that you would take any means of contacting her. I had not talked to Jason in a month and when he found out about what happened he got in contact with both my mom and I. Then there is you, someone who apparently “loves” me, not even making the slightest effort to see if I was okay. To see what my diagnosis was, to see if I was even still sane. You didn’t even want to know. You didn’t care to know.

    You’re right. We did not have a healthy relationship. Much of which is actually proven by your lack of communication to me while I was in the hospital. We did not have a healthy relationship because I am not a mentally healthy individual. We also did not have a healthy relationship because you put in no effort to make it healthy. When the going got tough, you quit. Then again, I also did try to “quit” too in the form of 15 prozac and 8 xanax. I never told you that after I took all those pills and got off the phone with you, I laughed. I could not stop laughing. I wanted to die. I was excited to die.

    Now, if someone you love is in a state such as that, your reaction would not be to withdraw. It would be to help. You ran.

    Yes, I had an orgy. You are mad that I would be capable of participating in such an act so soon after our breakup. Did it occur to you that the orgy and all of my other hookups have been in response to my pain inside? You left me to fend for myself. I am fending for myself using maladaptive coping strategies. That 20 minutes that I spend with a guy helps me get through the day. I know he could care less for me, I don’t even know if he knows my name. That 20 minutes makes me feel wanted. Even if it is just for that short amount of time, I crave it. I don’t even have orgasms. I just strive for the feeling of being close to someone. I feel as if I have nobody. You getting mad at me for having an orgy is like me getting mad at you when you smoke weed to help with your problems. You left me feeling empty, so the fact that I want to fill the void with something should come as absolutely no surprise to you.

    I can never trust anyone after what you put me through. I put trust in you and you failed me. You broke up with me then ignored me. Who am I supposed to trust now? Sam turned on me. Jason won’t talk to me. You didn’t even bother to ask how I was doing when I was in the hospital in the critical care unit.

    Do me a favor and tell me who the fuck I am supposed to trust now. Who? I thought you proved yourself worthy of my trust. Look where I ended up.

    What kind of person do you think you are if you are capable of ignoring someone when they need you the most? How is anyone in your life supposed to be able to trust you? Or count on you?

    I feel as if you should carry a sign saying that when times get hard, you run. You run far, far, away . If you carried a sign, nobody will ever be hurt by you again.

    You told me a few weeks ago to remember the good times, like the time we went on a picnic at Forest Park. I actually do remember that, every time I think of you. I remember it because I want it to come back. I want that guy back. I have no idea where that guy went. That is the guy I fell in love with. Now I have nothing but a selfish person in his place.

    You are not even apologetic for the fact that you led me on. You are not apologetic for the fact that you made no effort to contact me while I was in the hospital. My life had gone to such shit that I wanted to end it. You didn’t even give it a second glance.

    I guess Paige is just too crazy for you to even try to deal with. I warned you. I told you I had problems.

    You took on a task that was far over your head.

    Because of you I cannot trust people.

    Who knows when they will let you down?

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    One Response to Suicide

    1. larry
      February 14, 2012 at 11:19 am


      Trust me, I will be here for you! You don’t need a pot smoking idiot like!




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