• What I want and need…

    by  • October 20, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Loneliness • 0 Comments

    A year an a half ago I did the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, I came out to my friends and family and told them that I am gay. I had met a guy who I thought was the man of my dream, love at first sight. We dated for two weeks, before he cheated on me. It hurt so bad, but eventually I realized that I was not in love, it was just the newness of being who I truly am with someone like myself. I didn’t pursue another guy for almost a whole year.

    In January I met someone new, an incredible guy who wanted to get to know who I was, inside and out. We talked every day about anything and everything. He was so caring, considerate, loving, passionate. It was the first time I ever truly fell in love with someone. The only problem was, he was living with his boyfriend of four years. The first time I had sex was with him, it was amazing. And it was then that I thought he would leave his boyfriend for me. They were having problems, and fighting all the time. Both were talking about leaving each other.

    For eight months we talked every single day, not a single day went by when we didn’t txt or call each other. We tried a few times to “behave,” to just be friends. But we were so passionate about each other. But then something strange and extremely confusing happened.

    The boyfriend I mentioned from before, yeah, he started making moves on me. We started txting, and I didn’t know what to do. IF I refused to have anything to do with him I was afraid that he wouldn’t let me see the guy I loved. We kissed, and messed around. And I knew that if the guy I loved found out he would be crushed. It was awful. But then the boyfriend ALMOST caught us together. And we knew that we needed to back off, and to be more careful.

    Only he completely forgot about me, barely would txt me. And I really knew that it was over when I would tell him I loved him, and he wouldn’t say it back. I felt used, abandoned, and so ALONE. And the worst part was the loneliness.

    I talked to lots of guys after that, tried to find someone who wanted a relationship, and sometimes I was just looking for a good time. But I am so ready for a guy to show up in my life, and stay there. To not be a whore. Some one who loves with their entire heart, be passionate, caring, loving, sincere, honest, truthful, responsible, and there for me. And to let me be all those things for him too. I’m tired of being lonely, especially at night. That’s the worst time.

    And I am laying here tonight, alone, yet again. All I want is for the warm arms of a man to surround me while I fall asleep.

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