I really don’t know where to begin because I’m still so confused about how it ended.
What you did to me was inexcusable and it’s been almost three months and I still cannot forgive you. I hate you so much for what you did to me and how you made me feel and yet, I can’t stop missing you- can’t stop loving you.
I guess what I want you to know is that I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need anyone and I refuse to come begging for you- no matter how bad I want you back. I want you to know that I got help and that I am growing in ways that you may never grow. I am a beautiful, independent woman and I am so proud of my progress.
I got help about my phobia and my anxiety and about you. I needed it and in a way, I thank you- I love you- for breaking my heart and making me hate you for your actions. Because I would never have gotten out of this bad place.
You were a cover up- a security- and to shed that feels liberating, beautiful, but incomplete. The truth is, Ben, I love you. The kind of love where I can see past all the heartache you’ve caused me and the kind of love where I really don’t need your approval anymore or your kisses or your comfort. I just want you in my life, truly and simply.
I love who you are. Not just who we were or how you made me feel. I love YOU in all your absurdity and immaturity. I watch old videos of us and I laugh because I love you. And then I cry at the possibility that I will never love someone like I loved you. Like I love you.
I pray that you change and I pray that you grow. Because I would love to spend my life with you. For now, I focus on myself and my healing, but I hope that when I am healed, we can be together. And when you are healed, too. You have a lot of pain and anger behind your band that you need to sort through, too. And a lot of pressures that you are succumbing to. That you will hopefully realize aren’t worth it.
What hurts the most is that I’ve come so far. Consequently, that feels the best too- that I am learning and growing and facing my fears. But I think of how proud you would be to see me now. Look at me now. I am beautiful. I have rediscovered my passion for painting and I am fearless, reckless, and unstoppable. And I have come into my own in that I am less afraid. I have shared my beauty with others and I am known and respected. And that feels so good. That I don’t need you. That I am my own person. That I am loved despite knowing whether or not you love me.
But I can’t help but think how proud you would be. You would smile from ear to ear if you saw me now. I am changed. For the better. I am in a better place and with that, our relationship would be better too.
But I am still improving. And I cannot have distractions. I cannot handle anymore heartbreak, any more confusion, and I need to face my fears by taking you (my number one security) out of my life and forcing myself to build my own strength. I have come so far.
Look at me now.
I can’t wait to see you again. I love you, truly and completely. I love you fearlessly.