• I Am So, So Sorry

    by  • October 11, 2011 • To You • 1 Comment

    Sweetheart, I love you without end.

    It is our 1st anniversary tomorrow, October 11th. We just got in a huge fight. Over going to a mall for a party. And I am still thinking about certain aspects, upsetting myself more and more.

    You told me you wanted to go to the mall up in Phoenix for a little “birthday party”. I thought that was odd so, I laughed. You asked why, and I explained that it struck me as a bit weird to have a birthday party at a mall. “This isn’t a normal mall,” you said. “This place has merry-go-rounds, and huuuuuge indoor play areas, and all kinds of stuff. It is less of a party, more of just hanging out.”

    Oh, well that makes more sense then, I didn’t know that before. For some reason you are upset now, and I don’t know why. Now you tell me that you are unsure of going there now because I’ve made it seem like I hate the place. I tell you 3 times that it seems like a great idea, and I just didn’t know about it. I even said “I’m sorry I made you feel that way love, it just seemed weird before you explained it. It is actually a really good idea now that I know about the place.”

    For some reason this goes on for about 15 minutes. At this point, I am frustrated and begin to just agree with you. I don’t even know what the hell this is about now. 5 or 10 minutes after that, I got pissed. “I’m done with this, baby” I said. I can’t take anymore of this.

    Now you tell me what you are mad about. I never apologized — er, correctly. What about this part from over 20 minutes ago: “I’m sorry I made you feel that way love, it just seemed weird before you explained it. It is actually a really good idea now that I know about the place.”

    That apparently isn’t an apology. Why? Because I “tried to placate” you and “justify with excuses”. WHAT?! Explaining that I didn’t understand before, and then reassuring you makes it “Not a real apology”?! Sorry, but I apologized sincerely and honestly, but you didn’t accept it. That isn’t my fault.

    Now you are madder because I still won’t apologize AND I’m making you the bad guy.

    So this continues, and we both just get pissed off at each-other. I just want this to end, but my pride won’t let me. I can’t just say “I am sorry I made you feel that way, I didn’t mean to.” No, I can’t bring myself to go back and revise a heartfelt apology, thus editting who I am and what I think, so that it fits into your perfect idea of a “simple, honest apology”.

    No, I won’t change who I am for you. I love you, but it isn’t my fault that you can’t accept a heartfelt, sincere, honest apology just because it included an explanation and reassurance. I actually thought that that was a million times better than “Sorry I made you feel that way.” Any moron could use that tired old phrase. In fact, whenever kids hurt each others’ feelings, the teacher makes them say that. So no, I won’t trade out a part of who I am and how I do things for something that a 5 year old halfheartedly drones out in a monotone voice.

    Maybe I am just too proud. Or maybe you are too stubborn. Either way, “I won’t do it,” I said.

    “I’m sorry that I made you feel bad babe. I didn’t mean to.”
    Fuck.

    And now you accept the damned apology. Yeah, the damned apology. I hate that you made me do that. Now I feel as if this was a guilt-trip to getting an apology in the exact words that you wanted. Worse, I feel like I’ve compromised who I am. I’ve stuffed myself inside of a box for you.

    Don’t you ever fucking make me do that again. I can’t and I won’t. If I apologize, for anything, ever, know that it is sincere. Know that I truly mean it. Then, either accept it or don’t. But don’t you dare make me change my words and feelings. Don’t ever make me regret an apology.

    I love you, but I can’t let you do that –ever. I love you more and more everyday, and I can’t wait until it is our 5th, 20th, 50th anniversary. I am so sorry for making you feel that way, insecure and unsure. I am sorry for not knowing why you were upset. I am sorry for being stubborn and making you cry. I never want to do that. Yet 8 hours later I am still thinking about that one apology. And I am not sorry for that.

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    One Response to I Am So, So Sorry

    1. Victim of an insincere apologiser
      October 11, 2011 at 8:42 am

      Apologies are just that. Nothing comes after them. I’m sorry. Period. Your perception and his clearly differ. If you’re willing to be the bigger person and relent because it really is not a huge issue, then why feel the need to justify yourself after it?

      An apology *is* a compromise. If you did something wrong, then you compromised your reputation and you should apologise. If you think you’re right but their feelings are hurt, then you compromise your pride and apologise.

      It’s a different matter if you feel like you’re continually apologising for things that in your mind have no real consequence, or if you keep going through the same issues.

      I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just telling you what I learned and the philosophy I developed as a result of being in an abusive marriage.




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