Sweetheart, I love you without end.
It is our 1st anniversary tomorrow, October 11th. We just got in a huge fight. Over going to a mall for a party. And I am still thinking about certain aspects, upsetting myself more and more.
You told me you wanted to go to the mall up in Phoenix for a little “birthday party”. I thought that was odd so, I laughed. You asked why, and I explained that it struck me as a bit weird to have a birthday party at a mall. “This isn’t a normal mall,” you said. “This place has merry-go-rounds, and huuuuuge indoor play areas, and all kinds of stuff. It is less of a party, more of just hanging out.”
Oh, well that makes more sense then, I didn’t know that before. For some reason you are upset now, and I don’t know why. Now you tell me that you are unsure of going there now because I’ve made it seem like I hate the place. I tell you 3 times that it seems like a great idea, and I just didn’t know about it. I even said “I’m sorry I made you feel that way love, it just seemed weird before you explained it. It is actually a really good idea now that I know about the place.”
For some reason this goes on for about 15 minutes. At this point, I am frustrated and begin to just agree with you. I don’t even know what the hell this is about now. 5 or 10 minutes after that, I got pissed. “I’m done with this, baby” I said. I can’t take anymore of this.
Now you tell me what you are mad about. I never apologized — er, correctly. What about this part from over 20 minutes ago: “I’m sorry I made you feel that way love, it just seemed weird before you explained it. It is actually a really good idea now that I know about the place.”
That apparently isn’t an apology. Why? Because I “tried to placate” you and “justify with excuses”. WHAT?! Explaining that I didn’t understand before, and then reassuring you makes it “Not a real apology”?! Sorry, but I apologized sincerely and honestly, but you didn’t accept it. That isn’t my fault.
Now you are madder because I still won’t apologize AND I’m making you the bad guy.
So this continues, and we both just get pissed off at each-other. I just want this to end, but my pride won’t let me. I can’t just say “I am sorry I made you feel that way, I didn’t mean to.” No, I can’t bring myself to go back and revise a heartfelt apology, thus editting who I am and what I think, so that it fits into your perfect idea of a “simple, honest apology”.
No, I won’t change who I am for you. I love you, but it isn’t my fault that you can’t accept a heartfelt, sincere, honest apology just because it included an explanation and reassurance. I actually thought that that was a million times better than “Sorry I made you feel that way.” Any moron could use that tired old phrase. In fact, whenever kids hurt each others’ feelings, the teacher makes them say that. So no, I won’t trade out a part of who I am and how I do things for something that a 5 year old halfheartedly drones out in a monotone voice.
Maybe I am just too proud. Or maybe you are too stubborn. Either way, “I won’t do it,” I said.
“I’m sorry that I made you feel bad babe. I didn’t mean to.”
And now you accept the damned apology. Yeah, the damned apology. I hate that you made me do that. Now I feel as if this was a guilt-trip to getting an apology in the exact words that you wanted. Worse, I feel like I’ve compromised who I am. I’ve stuffed myself inside of a box for you.
Don’t you ever fucking make me do that again. I can’t and I won’t. If I apologize, for anything, ever, know that it is sincere. Know that I truly mean it. Then, either accept it or don’t. But don’t you dare make me change my words and feelings. Don’t ever make me regret an apology.
I love you, but I can’t let you do that –ever. I love you more and more everyday, and I can’t wait until it is our 5th, 20th, 50th anniversary. I am so sorry for making you feel that way, insecure and unsure. I am sorry for not knowing why you were upset. I am sorry for being stubborn and making you cry. I never want to do that. Yet 8 hours later I am still thinking about that one apology. And I am not sorry for that.