A lot and yet nothing much going on inside. I’m still trying to figure out what happened. Everything was in slow motion, figures still wrapping around my thoughts. Numbness? Indifference? Not sure. But I do know that even though saying that “I’m sorry” about how my reactions affected you or hurt you isn’t enough it’s the best way to explain what I do know. I’m an oxymoron of emotions. Always have been. Makes me question myself and then I forget about it all.
I think I tried to convince myself that I could love you the way I once knew but now with even greater worry I question the fact that it wasn’t that there was anything wrong with you but whether I will ever be able to love anyone like I once did ever again. It almost feels like I have to accept that it was a once in a lifetime shot and even though it wasn’t my decision to end it, that “ticket to love” is done. I can’t possibly be the only one that feels this way? I guess the whole notion and emotion attached to the saying “the one that got away” is real. That’s god awful! Why? Why is that? Perhaps it should be recommended to never love anyone, much less to the point that you forget who you are. But is that knowledge truly something that comes with age then? It’s certainly not something that instinctively stirs inside to warn you not to do it. And yet its such an innate feeling to know when its too late. You only know once your deep to your knees in it. What a mess. Does it mean that I’m weak? There have to be survivors. Love is the villain but we have to be our own heroes no? How do you being to help someone else get over you? Why can’t we as humans accept the same unconditional love that we fight to give someone else?
And yet there are plenty that seemed to have found it. I take their vow to marriage to be sincere and not as a sign of defeat and complacency or worse, fear of being alone for the rest of their life. I know I do not want to be alone, but I do not wish to settle out of fear.
What’s wrong with me? I do know that I want to be a semi complete package(career, financial stability, a damn new car for crying out loud) but there’s a piece of me that just feel awkward as cliché as it sounds. What is it?