• What Is It With This…

    by  • September 25, 2011 • Thoughts • 0 Comments

    What IS it with this shit?
    I sit here…
    I want to cry,
    But I can’t find the tears.
    They’re lingering on the edge
    But they won’t fall.
    I want to run and fucking scream
    And kick
    And punch shit
    And just sit somewhere in a field all alone
    And sob my heart out.
    Your stereotypical cheesy heartbreak movie
    Or something.
    I want to fall off of the edge of the Earth
    And find the start of no return
    And find somewhere else
    Somewhere that I can hide from this useless
    Shitty
    Hurtful
    Deteriorating
    Depressing place we call Earth
    Because we can’t even take care of it
    And it gives us everything and in return we give it
    Nothing but the bullshit we leave behind to try and make the boxes that hide who we really are more attractive and make it seem like we have the perfect little white picket fence family no matter what and then there are the people who have suffered enough to know that’s utter bullshit and you never find that kind of family and if you are in that kind of family then I say you’re fucking lying. I can’t stand the word family
    Because no matter what,
    No matter who it is that is in your family
    They just walk all over you
    And fuck your life up
    And make you feel like shit
    And they beat you
    And rape you
    And ostracize you
    And make you feel like you shouldn’t even be here
    When really it’s their goddamn sperm that even fucking created you in the first place.
    And when all you can remember is him slamming her into a table, and hearing him scream that he hates you too
    And seeing him throw things
    And remembering him hitting you hard enough to where you had to knock him out
    And remembering him biting you–and you still have that scar too–
    But you tell everyone it’s from when you got in a tussle with your little cousin
    Or you remember seeing your cousin get so frustrated that she pitched a snow globe at your head because she just wanted OUT and all you could do was sit there and hope that she got out before she realized that it was too late, just like you did.
    Anger
    Sadness
    Grief
    Confusion
    Heartbreak
    There’s just too much of it.
    Quitting emotions just seems like a better idea.
    I just want to stop feeling
    I don’t want to be
    I don’t want to imagine
    I don’t want to have to see everything that goes on around me with emotion because emotion just makes everything worse.
    Even the “good” ones because without bad there is no good and there will always be a time when the good has to end and you look back on the good and all it does is hurt you more because you just WANT IT so bad but no matter what you do you can’t get it back and it’s all you can do to keep yourself from just killing people and animals and things that you love because there’s so much pain and anger you can’t talk about and sadness, sadness too, and you can’t talk about it because everyone’s always so wrapped up in their problems and you are too because you don’t want to have to face the fact that there’s something wrong with you and it just drives you nuts because it always is there, hovering in the back of your mind and it’s just a list being read off over and over and over again telling you over and over again just how terrible of a creature, of a human you are, to the point where you start to believe that you don’t deserve to be called human, and then to the point where you feel like you deserve to be dead, you don’t deserve to be alive, you don’t deserve to have ever existed but then you remember that maybe if I wasn’t here then there would be someone worse and it makes you feel a little bit better.
    Then, you go home and turn on the news.
    He was shot
    She was raped
    They robbed a bank
    We found a bomb
    He molested his students
    She purposely gave her patients the wrong drugs
    And then you remember that no matter how much you ARE here you can never take place of the millions of people that are born every day to take the places of those who have perished and you never know if one of them is going to be the woman next door who kills her child by drowning it, or the guy next door who is a necrophiliac.
    There’s nothing left for us here, but there’s no where else that we can go so there really can’t be a point for existing any longer can it? We’re drying up everything that we should be conserving because it’s all we have to keep our own damn unworthy selves alive but we waste it anyway and then we say “no quit your whining we’ll be fine” but in reality we’re all terrified of dying or facing the facts that maybe this sphere of earth and lava and water really isn’t going to hold up as long as we thought it would and that we’re terrified that we’ll still be around the day that everyone fries because we can’t predict these things and we certainly can’t stop them. There’s no way to travel far enough. There’s no way to stop the world from making its cycles.
    And there’s no way to stop death
    But we always look aimlessly for that thing that will stop death.
    And then we are defeated and feel as though we have done nothing with our lives because all we’ve done is search for the impossible.
    And even though the impossible is possible there are some things that just are not meant to be understood
    And this is one of them but we refuse to take no for an answer and even though we admit that there are times that we should, if it really and truly would “benefit” us then we cannot possible think that maybe we shouldn’t be delving into things that are beyond our control and things that we have no clue about because who knows what will happen if we do. No one wants to find out and that’s why we have to give up this stupid quest for life. We all need to accept the consequences for our existing and we need to be able to know that we’re not going to last forever.
    And that’s what scares me the most.
    Is if everyone accepts that we’re not going to last forever
    Even though we need to realize it
    But if they do then maybe they’ll stop caring about me, the few that do.
    So I just run in circles.
    I’m eating my own tail.
    I’m ruining my own life.
    but I can’t stop it.
    No one said it was easy, but nobody said it was going to be this fucking hard.

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