• What will be, will be.

    by  • September 17, 2011 • To You • 0 Comments

    Dear ______,

    I don’t know where to start. This year with you has been one of the most tremulous I’ve ever had. In my life. When I first met you, I knew I’d make you mine. I knew I’d have you eating out of the palm of my hand in no time. And it happened. I got you. I should have known when we never had anything to talk about that we weren’t right for each other. You’ve never had a serious relationship before. This is my third. You are everything I’m not. You’re physically strong, determined, aggressive and pushy. You’re also very smart, and I love being able to ask you anything and you seem to have an answer. But, I started noticing that you were controlling and jealous. At first I thought your jealously was a good thing. Wow, you must really love me, I thought. But when I wasn’t able to hang out with my friends without some sort of a negative comment, I knew you needed to change. You were very insecure. So insecure that you reached out to two different women. You will never know the extent of which my heart was broken. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with you. Like I said, we were wrong from the start. But I forgave you. Or at least I told you I forgave you. I told you that you needed to become secure. And you did. You did what I asked you to do. Now you’re the perfect guy. But it’s sad because I don’t know if I want that guy anymore. I cannot forget what you did and how you betrayed me. I would NEVER do that to you. The fact you did it not only once, but twice? I promised to stop reading your text messages, but I lied. I check them every chance I get. I also check your emails. So far, I haven’t seen anything. You’d think that it would be enough but it’s not. I don’t know if it will ever be enough.

    I know I’m no prize either. I know that because you did those things, I have become insane. I constantly worry that you’re texting another woman, fantasizing about her, whoever she is, or that there’s some secret side of you of which I have no idea about. Oh, and another thing, I HATE YOUR BROTHER. Now that he’s single, he wants to go out all the time to pick up girls. Thank god you don’t see him very often. Because I know he expects you to be his wingman. I know you tell me that I’m your everything, and you’ll love me until you die. I’m the first woman you’ve ever loved and you want me to be your last. Bullshit. I know you think about other girls, every guy does. That thought kills me. Thankfully I’m going back to my therapist on Monday. Most of the thoughts I have are irrational, I know this, but sometimes I can’t help but believe them. YOU did this to me. I wish sometimes we could trade places so you can see what happens in my mind every single day. I hate myself now, and I know you don’t like this “me” either. BUT IT’S YOUR FAULT. YOU MADE ME LIKE THIS. I hope I can change, I really do. But even if I do, will I ever be able to trust you again? Will I ever be able to trust anybody?

    Congratulations, you succeeded in ruining me so that no man will ever love me. Who would love a woman who is constantly afraid? Afraid that she’s not good enough? Because you sending those sexual texts to those women reinforced that thought into my mind. We keep trying to change each other. You want me to be innocent and modest like I was when I first met you. OF COURSE I WAS, I didn’t want to be just another hook-up like all the other girls. It really was me. It’s always been me this whole time. I will never be good enough for you. And you want to know something? You probably will never be good enough in my eyes either. You have ruined me. Thank you. I really dislike you. But I love you at the same time, I love you so much. I just want to be everything to you. I want you to be fully satisfied with me in every way; mentally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually. I try so hard to keep you. I can’t trust you. Why can’t you just love me? ALL of me? Why can’t you just love me and be as loyal to me as I am to you? Stop taking me for granted.

    I am just as in love with you as when I first fell in love with you over half a year ago. Why can’t you be the same? I don’t know how to keep you. I just want to be loved. I just want you to let me fawn all over you and sit on your lap and rub my nose with your nose for a long time without you pulling away and telling me that it feels “too much” and I need to give you some space. I just want the same in return. I just want you to look at me the way I look at you. That’s all. I want you to kiss me again. I want you to grab me, and just kiss me. I want to feel that you still want me. Maybe if you picked up my favorite ice cream once in a while, or wrote ME a cute note that I’d feel better about being in this relationship. You know what I’m doing right now? I’m baking your favorite cupcakes. White cake with chocolate frosting. Why? Because you love them. When was the last time you did anything like that for me? Sometimes I think you forgot that you have to keep wooing the woman that your with. You can’t just stop doing the little things because you have me. Put some effort into keeping me. Right now, I’m not quite sure what to do about our relationship. All I know is that what will be will be. I do love you. Just SHOW me that you care, and I’ll be yours. That’s all you have to do. Just show interest in me like you did when we first started dating.

    You are a good boyfriend. You are dependable, handsome, funny, and you push me to be the best I can be. You text me and call me all the time. You spend ALL of your free time with me. And my crazy family. You don’t let me boss you around. You don’t let me be selfish, and I like that. You’re teaching me how to be more selfless. I’ve learned from you that it’s important to make other people happy, just because it’s nice to make someone else happy for a change instead of only worrying about my happiness. I know that once I get my security back, I’ll be a better girlfriend. I’m sorry I’ve been crazy lately and not fun to be around. But I promise to change; I want to be the best girlfriend I can be. I hope someday I can forgive you and move on. I hope someday I can trust you. I know that if I can trust you, our relationship will be much better. So please, just wait for me.

    I love you.

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