• Why is it so hard

    by  • September 13, 2011 • To You • 0 Comments

    To the love of my life, that I will never let be the love of my life;

    It started in 8th grade. You saw me, I saw you. It wasn’t exactly love at first sight. I knew your reputation, but I didn’t even stop myself.

    I began to learn more and more about you, as you did me. Closer and closer we became. Immediately everyone saw your attitude change. People I didn’t even know were saying how pleasant you were to be around, how different (in a good way) you had become. This was the start of a bond that still has not fully been broken.

    I couldn’t even begin to describe myself. The smile that I wore so proudly, the way I stood up ever so straight, the way that nothing in the world really seemed to matter. Well, we stood by each other. Day in and day out. Different high schools, but we lived a street away. I have never been so close to another human being in all my life.

    Freshman, Sophomore, Junior and Senior year it was you and me. We laughed more than we could handle at times, fought like we were waging war, and loved with a love that was pure bliss. Nothing could tear us from each other.

    You were everything I could have wanted.

    Senior year rolled around, and without a doubt April came extremely fast. Waiting for acceptance letters in the mail, but we both knew there was only one school I would actually attend and leave California for. We got home from the gym, sat down on the couch, and relaxed as my mom went out the front door to get the mail. Yelling my name as she came back through the front door… there was no doubt in my mind, I knew exactly what she had been holding.

    There it read, “Colorado State University”. I opened it, read it, smiled greater than I ever had before, looked at you… and there was nothing. No emotion. Completely stone cold. The glisten that had grown blinding in your eyes was now gone. You looked straight ahead with a look of defeat. And so the story goes.

    That last summer with you was everything but perfect. Actually, it wasn’t even close. It broke my heart. Four, long, amazing years with you and now I’m moving 1700 miles away.

    A month after I received the letter, something was wrong. You were changing drastically. Using again, and falling into the black downward spiral you continue to lay in to this day. Two days before my birthday, one week before my senior prom, two weeks from graduation.. and you broke me. If lying is a knife, then cheating is an AR-15 Automatic assault rifle. And you open fired.

    You promised you would never hurt me. Always protect me, and one day you were going to marry me. Till then.

    That was strike one. Betrayal and disgust ran through my mind that whole summer. WHY. Why was it SO hard to stay faithful. Summer came and went. More drama than smiles. When August came around, I couldn’t wait to get on that airplane and start fresh. With someone I could trust.

    But you. You changed my mind. You won me back. You did. And I’m ashamed.

    The distance was tough. Miles apart, no trust, and no reassurance. As Thanksgiving came around, it was too much for both of us. A mutual breakup. Tears flowed like Niagara Falls. We promised to stay close, stay friends. Four and a half long years of history is too much to be close friends. Christmas vacation came. Back in California. I saw you, and my heart dropped. YOU were what I had been missing. You were my key to living. You were the dark spot on my heart that kept me hoping we would cross paths again. We messed up.

    We got too close, too soon. You whispered in my ear you loved me, and I believed it.

    I fucking believed it.

    Christmas Eve, alcohol flowing through our veins. Two different Christmas parties. Texting back and forth, mean and nasty messages, waging war again. Fighting over the phone, led to fighting in person in your driveway. That’s strike number two.

    Men should never lay a hand on a woman. And you got me good. Three blows, straight to the face, although you had never been rough with me before. You chased, ran and yelled after me as I ran into your house trying to find someone to restrain you.

    We quit talking for months. I didn’t see, hear or want to come into contact with you.

    Then my freshman year of college was over. I received several phone calls, late at night. Messages from you, crying. Missing me. Apologizing.

    This was the first time in my life where I didn’t need you. And I didn’t want you. I was comfortable in my own skin, living as I should. WITHOUT YOU. Then it happened.

    Running into you in California was my demise. I couldn’t look away. You got that glisten in your eyes right when you saw me. You ran towards me, picked me up and hugged me tighter than before. I broke down. You broke down. We ended up talking at your place later. Laying down next to each other, I had never felt more at home. And then you said it. As you were in tears, you looked at me and told me you never stopped loving me. You had me, again. This time we knew it couldn’t work. And people would talk. So we kept it confidential, and hung out a couple times.

    And now we are back here again.
    Drowning in hurt, looking at the past saying what if?

    Why is it so hard to love.
    Why is it so hard to forget.
    Why is it so hard to move on.
    Why is it so hard on me.

    Why is it so hard for you to be caring.
    Why is it so hard for you to be happy.
    Why is it so hard for you to understand.
    Why is it so hard for you to TRY TO BE BETTER.

    I’ve had all my eggs in your basket for a while. I want to let you know that there are currently no eggs in your basket anymore. I will not succumb to the abuse and hatred. I will not let you control me once more. I will not.

    You’ve joined the army now, you leave in a month. I won’t be able to say goodbye. I hope you stay safe, and become the man you need to be.

    I hope one day, you can look at me and smile about what we had. I hope one day, you can realize how much I worked for this. How much I gave up. How much I learned to forget and forgive.

    All I want is closure. All I want is for you to admit your wrongs. All I want, is to be able to run into you one day, and see my best friend.

    All I want, is for you to realize that you were loved.

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