• i’ll keep you my dirty little secret

    by  • August 30, 2011 • Confession • 0 Comments

    Guess what. it happened. we both know it did. i took your leads and i fell for you. i haven’t felt that way about anybody but you. i was willing to make an exception. i thought we were best friends and so much more. i never expected anything to ever happen but it was always in the back of my mind. you acted upon it. i was scared, but wanted to come back for more. that said something about me. at that point you were holding something that could easily destroy me. i would lay down and die for you at one point. all the nights i stayed up worried about you, i’d go out of my way to make sure i made you smile and felt loved. then shit hit the fan. when i asked you about it you swore it wasn’t you. on everything we had. i believed every word. i ate it up because i saw the “good” in you no one else did. i couldn’t have been more wrong. will i ever honestly know the truth? did you ever tell anyone like you swore you wouldn’t? i will never know. i deal with this shit every single day. how can someone you thought you knew the complete truth about turn out to be your worst nightmare, the biggest liar, and most fucked up individual you’ll ever come across? sometimes i get a faint smell of what you used to wear, or you’ll run across my mind because of an old picture, and i don’t know whether to cry or throw up because i am so incredibly sickened by what i finally realize you are. you had me right where you wanted me and we both know it. fuck you. i’m over it. let this close the book. one day in the distant future i pray you realize the horrible things you’ve done; and all the people you’ve emotionally destroyed and fucked up over the years. and i hope you can’t sleep over it. i hope the guilt eats you alive. i hope you feel as shitty and hopeless as i did. and if you come around to apologize i won’t be around to hear it. you are not worth running across my mind a single more time.
    …and these are the words i cannot speak, and the letter i’ll never send.

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