• I Don’t Feel It Anymore

    by  • August 9, 2011 • Letting Go • 1 Comment

    King Rat,

    I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t want to listen to your songs anymore. I would delete your text messages if I cared enough. But I’m apathetic now. It’s strange to think, something I used to want so badly, with such fervor, I don’t want anymore. I don’t want you anymore. Lover, misery-inducer, companion, thought-provoker, vagabond. You talk in code and write with your toes. I’m leaving you behind, with hope that one day you’ll stop sleeping your life away, stop missing out, realize that all you had to do was take me, take what was yours, that all you had to do was hold me in your arms, that I wasn’t going to be the one to hurt you and that by the time you realize all this I’ll be gone, and you’ll regret all the things you never said and never did, and I’ll have fallen in love with someone else, and your heart will break, and you’ll hate me, and you’ll hate yourself. And I’ll have hurt you. All this pain I felt. I wanted you to feel the same. I’m sorry. I’m letting you go. I’m letting you go because you’re letting me let you go. You’re letting me slip away. You didn’t try hard enough. You never fought for me.

    Fight for something. It doesn’t have to be me. It has to be something though. Before you know it your life will have passed and you’ll not know love and happiness, just as you predicted. But I assured you that you would because I had hope for you. I still have it. I’m just disappointed in you. I don’t hate you. I’m afraid that maybe I’m abandoning you, and maybe you need me. I can’t help you get over your fear of life anymore. I’ve been trying. And I’ve been tired. I deserve life.

    I understand you, boy. You’re just a boy. You’re scared and you’re lost and your confidence wanes. You’re a vicious coward, little boy. You’re a sightless fool. You don’t know any better.

    But I’ve already done it. I’ve fallen in love with someone else, and inadvertently now my fantasy has become half realized. You let it happen. It’s partially your fault. While you were sleeping, someone else was taking over. And he’s beautiful, and incredible, and so full of life. He’s so human and he took me by surprise. And he makes love to me in a frenzy, when you’re caught up in thought between my legs. And he dances with me. And he holds me.

    I know you love me. I love you. I wouldn’t have wasted a full year on you if I didn’t.

    But I can’t hang on anymore. You give me nothing. You’ll never give me anything and I knew it from the beginning. This is hard for me, but it doesn’t make my chest ache like it used to. I don’t feel it anymore. I know I’d be there for you in an instant if you ever needed me. I’ll be here for you on your bad days, on your good days, when you find passion. If you ever see friendship in our future, but I’m not sure how we’ll recover. I know these things because I know I must still love you. I have all this on my chest. I’ve just written you a massive letter. I must still love you. I must still care. Fuck it. I just don’t feel it anymore.

    x Sea

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    One Response to I Don’t Feel It Anymore

    1. daniel
      February 7, 2012 at 11:24 pm

      Up until the one year part (was expecting 6) I was positive this was written to me. Fuck it, C may not have written it but this is what was in her heart, I know it now.

      D




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