• a month, a week, a day, an hour

    by  • August 9, 2011 • Confusion • 0 Comments

    its weird, because if anyone had ever told me a month, a week, a day, an hour before the day i met you that we would become as close as brother and sister, i would have laughed. said no, that funny popular guy would never even talk to someone like me, why even think about it? but then i actually met you, and realized how much more of an amazing, nice, sweet, honest, funny, talented, and caring person you were than i thought. bonding with you was a package deal of daily teasing from all of our friends that we should hook up, but after a while it was so frequent that it didn’t even mean anything anymore. its weird, because if anyone had ever told me a month, a week, a day, an hour before that night what was going to happen then, i would have laughed. said no, that guy who’s almost like a brother to me isn’t actually serious about liking me more than a sister, why even think about it? but no, after i bluntly asked you if you really wanted to hook up or it was more of the taunts that we were both used to, you completely surprised me with your answer. “well, do you want to? cause if you do, its up to you…..” so it was up to me to decide if i wanted to hook up with one of my best friends? ha. after being convinced for an hour i was still laughing, but just said yes to see what you would do. point and laugh and say gotcha? i thought so, but instead we went walking past the campsite and sat down at a dark trail where we were completely alone. still waiting for you to laugh. asking why you weren’t yet. laughing myself. but then you looked at me in a way that you hadn’t before, and before i knew it you were getting closer and leaning in towards me. and i sat there. looking at you. and realized fuck what just happened. your response, to finally laugh, smile at me, whisper for me to come here. so i did.

    this letter isn’t just telling you what happened, because you already know that. its to ask you, was that just some fun night, or did it actually mean anything to you? obviously if you wanted anything more you would’ve said so, cause i was stupid enough to bring it up and ask myself. and the most comforting response in the world: lets just be friends for now, okay? sarcasm intended, because i never even meant to ask you that in a ‘relationship’ type of way. but you took it like that, and now its too late to tell you otherwise. the problem is, if you had asked me anything about it, i couldn’t give you a good answer, because i’m so confused in my mind now. sometimes i feel like it could have worked, other times i’m too scared to screw up what we recovered as friends. thank god we stayed pretty close, but we both know its not the same. it did get a little bit better, but then time came we had to say our goodbyes and leave each other for two months until we could see each other again. so now that one month has passed and one more to go, whats gonna happen when we met again? if i almost tackle you in a bear hug, will you also happy to see me? happiness doesn’t even begin to describe what i will feel when i see you that’s how much i miss you, but i’m note exactly sure what i’m missing. a friend? or maybe more? do you miss me “just as friends” or as something……more? or even at all? i’m still a little confused about that myself, but i guess i’ll find out then.

    love you like a sister,
    me

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