• if only you knew

    by  • August 1, 2011 • To You • 0 Comments

    why can’t i look at him the same? why does everything feel so not in place? i have this feeling that this won’t last. i ruined him and that’s all i can think about. he’s the person who he is today because of all the actions i took. i broke him and it’s all my fault. it’s my fault and i knew it. GAH EVERYTHING… how could i hurt the person i love the most? i’m destructive. every person that i love, i’ve hurt. it is my fault. all the signs are right. i’m here to cause destruction. i don’t have a heart. i like hurting people and it’s not normal. i’m not normal. everything i do is because guilt. am i truly doing things for the better of others, or to calm my guilt? i need to stop trusting people, otherwise i’ll hurt them. HURT. why am i put on this earth? WHY am i here? i’m just hurting people. constantly. i’ve known. i should have never been here. why haven’t i done it yet? why is it i constantly think about but can’t do it? what the fuck is holding me back? maybe i wish someone else would do it. the moment that happens people will be sad, but then find out that life will be better. they won’t know it, but it’ll happen. i’m better dead cause i’ll never haunt people but help them for all the pain and destruction i’ve caused for them. everything that has been blamed on me is true. all of it is true. EVERYTHING is NOTHING. I AM EVERYTHING, BUT I AM NOTHING. THAT’S WHY I’M ALWAYS COLD. MY HEART IS COLD. THERE’S NOTHING THERE. everything connects to that. i am sin. but i guess i’ll just push this to the side like everything else i’ve done and go on with my merry life.

    ….i’m mad. he’s a hypocrite. HE’S A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. but why can’t i tell him what’s caused me… i don’t know. maybe because i’m afraid of hurting him with my words. BUT HE’S HURT ME. HE LIED. HE LIES. FUCK. EVERYTHING I’VE DONE WAS BECAUSE OF HIM. HIM. I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM. I WISH I COULD JUST YELL AT HIM FOR EVERYTHING HE’S DONE. HES A FUCKING HYPOCRITE. HE CHEATED. HE’S FUCKED MULTIPLE GIRLS. GAh. Everything that i ever get blamed for, i can remember a time he’s done the exact same thing. why i can’t i ever tell him? wow… i never even touched a drug when we weren’t talking. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I’VE DONE IT WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME. YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME. WHY CAN’T YOU TRUST ME? THAT WAS 2 YEARS AGO. YOU. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO IS RUINING YOURSELF. I CAN DO IT. I HAVE DONE IT. GUYS WILL ALWAYS LOOK. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN SHIT. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING! ARE YOU DOING THAT SAME THING? EVERYONE IS SICK. GET WITH IT. PEOPLE KNOW SHIT YOU THINK THEY DON’T. NO ONE IS OUT TO GET YOU. YOUR FAMILY LOVE YOU AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT. THEY DON’T WANT TO PUT YOU BACK THERE. YOU CONTINUE TO PUSH THEM AWAY. THAT’S WY I’M AFRAID OF YOUR PARENTS. BECAUSE I KNOW THEY KNOW I’M THE ROOT TO ALL OF THIS. YOU ARE BIPOLAR. I GET IT. THAT’S WHY I CAN’T SAY CERTAIN THINGS. BUT THE THINGS YOU SAY BACK HURT AS MUCH. GAHHHH. i’m done, there is too much to say but i can’t do it.

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