I think the best way to start this is to say I’m sorry. I am absolutely sorry for any disruption I have caused throughout the time I have known you. I never meant to be that guy that falls for the wrong person. But that was me. That is me.
I thought I was over you. It’s weird, trying to get over someone you never truly had to begin with. Sure I loved you with every ounce of my being but you were never mine. I was always yours though. For me that was one of the hardest parts of our story. You always had a strange power over me that, for some reason, lingers to this today. I can hear your name or see a picture of you or have a flashback to some memory of you and I am right back under your spell. For the past few months those spell-binding moments have been few and far between. Growing up hits you hard and a shattered heart takes a backseat to day-to-day anxieties. I thought I was finally moving on. But every time I think I’m ready to let go it starts again. You start making your way into my dreams. At first it’s just subtle appearances- almost like memories. Then it shifts to something else, something more ethereal and perfect. It’s not until I wake up that I realize the part of you that’s in me has never left.
That’s where I am now. I think about you all day. I hope you’re safe and happy. I wonder for hours whether or not you think about me before finally deciding that no, you don’t. I never meant that much you. I was the boy with a crush and you were everything I could never have. I think all of this to myself of course, not wanting the people in my life to know that I still feel every ounce of love for you that I did six years ago.
Sometimes I question when I will move on from you. I know feeling the way I have felt about you for so long isn’t healthy and I know that I have so much love to give. Just look at how deep I loved you and you never even felt so much as friendliness towards me. Then I begin to wonder if I ever will move on. It doesn’t seem normal that a person should love someone so powerfully for so many years when they have never reflected those feelings. And then I wonder what if we as humans really do only have one soulmate…one true love. What if you were that for me and I never get to experience a full, mutual love?
The reason I wrote this letter is to tell you these are my issues. I don’t blame you for what happened. I am content with what I felt for you even if we are never meant to be together. I know that my love was valuable and immeasurable even though you didn’t validate it. I only want everything good for you. You are an amazing, beautiful person with the heart of an angel. I am so glad that you have found someone who makes you happy and she seems to be everything you ever wanted. I keep expecting to hear that yall are engaged. I know it’s only a matter of time. I hope she knows just how lucky she is.
I will always carry a piece of you with me.