• When i said i loved you… i meant every single word

    by  • July 29, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    I remember the first time I saw you. You were with your two brothers and your mother. And been friends with your younger brother for a while yet I’d never really paid much attention to you’ but for some reason that one day I couldn’t take my eyes away from you.

    Let’s face it physically, at the time, you really weren’t that pretty… but to me that didn’t matter. I remember telling one of my friends “he’s beautiful” to which my friend answered “you’re kidding me, right?” and i wasn’t kidding at all. Nobody thought you were that good looking, but to me you were the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Those beautiful green eyes to me were the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen.

    For some reason, after that day, I began to see more of you. You’re brother and I stared hanging out more and by default I saw you more. Every single time I saw you I’d get these butterflies in my stomach and I’d get all nervous ( I think you noticed, cause i got you smiling that beautiful smile of your’s one time). I remember thinking ” who am I kidding he’s never going to notice me’ much less like me.

    Time passed by and your brother and I grew out of touch, therefore I didn’t get to see you as much. I ran it to you every once in a while but I could never actually muster-up the courage to talk to you. So the years passed by and things changed. You became one of those guys that all the girls wanted and of course you never noticed me, but that’s okay. I also changed, I had my boyfriends as well, but in the back of my mind, i always wished that it was your hand i was holding or your lips I’d be kissing. But, as I said, time passed by…

    On April 27 for some reason (I’d like to believe that it was God wanting me to smile) I saw you again, well actually I saw your brothers again but by default you were there. Of course it was unplanned, so you could imagine how nervous I was. We entered the place we were at and sat down. I was with a group of friends and you where with you’re family, yet all there of you sat down with me. Initially, your youngest brother was the one siting next to me, so I talked to him for a while. later, i turned to talk to one of the girls that was sitting next to me, and to my surprise, when I turned back you where the one sitting next to me. So i tried to play it cool, tried not to show you how happy I was that you were sitting next to me, but I think I didn’t do a great job at that (who am I kidding I didn’t really want to do a god job at it :P). My eyes were glowing, I was so excited!

    I guess that was a good strategy on my part. The next day when I woke up and checked my phone I had a text message. It was you 🙂 . Know you can imagine how hard my heart was racing when I saw that text. We started texting and that same day you called me. There are no words to describe how happy I was that day.

    Anywho, one thing let to another and we started talking and i was really happy for quite a while (and to be honest, I really couldn’t believe you had actually noticed me. out all the girls you have you noticed me :’) ). I remember the day you called me crying because your grandmother was in the hospital. Listening to you cry was the one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever heard. So naturally, I tried to console you and i kept talking until I was sure you had stopped crying. For some reason, the next words out of your mouth were: I love you. You will never know but tears fell from my eyes when you said that. “I love you too” I replied (so when you heard me sniff and asked if I was crying and i told you that it was just my allergies, yeah… it really wasn’t hahaha). I was genuinely happy, something I hadn’t felt for a long time.

    But then everything took a turn for the worst. We started arguing all the time. Sometimes in the mists of your anger you said really hurtful things. Really hurtful. I never let you know that. I just kept quiet and cried with out you ever knowing. For a while we tried to fix it, actually I tried, because even though you won’t admit it you gave up as soon as we had our first fight., but nothing really seemed to work. So we stopped talking. No goodbyes, no heart felt apologies, no nothing, we just stopped. I guess I don’t blame you; you were never to good at handling things.

    I was completely heartbroken for a long while. It was bad. I couldn’t sleep , I couldn’t eat and I cried every single day. My friends couldn’t stand seeing me like this anymore so they decided they would plan a four day get away. It worked.

    You see, when I was, you could say, depressed or whatever, i didn’t want to forgive you for all the horrible things, you’d said. I wanted you to see me cry and see that i had lost weight all because of you just to make you feel bad. But when i was away, I had no signal and no internet, so I couldn’t receive your hurtful texts, I couldn’t hear you screaming at me over the phone and i couldn’t see all your hurtful facebook statuses (don’t worry I don’t hold hard feelings for that, i know you were just really mad you didn’t really mean it). I disappeared for four days. It was exactly what i needed.

    While I was away. I was in complete quiet; in complete peace. I could think things clearly. So naturally, i thought of everything. One day all I did was pray. I prayed that God could heal my aching heart. I prayed that I no longer felt horrible things towards you. And i prayed for you to be happy.

    You see, after everything that had happened between us, I love you sooo much that the only thing i wanted was for you to be happy.

    We haven’t talked in a while, and there are days i still wish we could talk and I could hear your voice saying i love you, but i know that at least for now that won’t happen.

    I don’t think you’ll ever read this, that’s partially why I’m writing this here, but if you do, please know this. When I told you I love you, I meant every single word. I still love you and i still miss you and i wish i could hug you one more time. but until then know that i’ll always be here for you and that i still thing you are the most beautiful man i have ever seen.

    Always yours green eyes 😉

    One Response to When i said i loved you… i meant every single word

    1. Andrew
      July 30, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      This is so heartfelt. Your love is unbelievable. If everyone could love like you, relationships would be so much better.

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