• The Black Stain In My Heart

    by  • July 29, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    To the love of my life,

    Age 15 to 21 is a testing time to be together and I have been meaning to tell you this for three years now but have never found the courage to confess.

    We have had many happy memories in the 6 years we have been together. Right now we are the happiest and most secure we have ever been. But it wasn’t always like that. There was a time in our 3rd year when my world shattered. I felt like my whole universe had broken into a million pieces and I didn’t know what to believe in anymore. On that night in July when I found those love letters to Maddie, my heart experienced a pain I never thought possible. I think one of my biggest regrets was letting you talk your way back into my bed that night when I was still in pieces. You see when I’m that upset I would usually turn to you, you are all I’ve ever known, so that night I gave in. I should have had time away from you but you are the love of my life.

    The next year of our lives together was a terrible one. We were constantly arguing and the level of distrust rose dramatically in our relationship. Telling you that I kissed a guy on holiday was so hard for me to do and it was even harder seeing the disappointment in your eyes. You forgave me easily though, I think you knew how lost I felt, and we tried to get on with our lives.

    I became this horrible version of myself, a paranoid and frustrating girlfriend. You seemed to distance yourself from me and would never leave your phone alone with me, not even to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, and would jump every time I touched it. I felt like our relationship had lost it’s innocence. Everything I had believed in was crushed and I didn’t know what I had done to push you to Maddie in the first place. I felt further betrayed when you asked me if I was going to approach her so you could warn her and prevent Maddie from getting hurt. Why did you put other girls’ feelings before mine?

    In the winter you made a new girl mate, Dana, who you spent a lot of time with. She would come around to your place and spend time with your other friends that I already knew so I asked if I could meet her, to which you replied; “She doesn’t like meeting her friends’ boyfriends or girlfriends.” What the fuck does that mean? When finally I met her I could instantly sense the chemistry between the two of you and my suspicions were confirmed when I found a text from her proclaiming her love for you. It was after I confronted you about this that you proceeded to get drunk and sleep in the same room as her. This blew up into an argument where I explained I wasn’t comfortable with it but yet you did it again.

    I know the above does not excuse the terrible things I have done and that we were both in a terrible place but I felt so lost and unable to heal from my heartbreak.

    I found comfort in sharing things with your best friend Sam. Looking back at it now I shouldn’t have started telling him anything but we had grown close and he was the only one who knew Dana, you and I well. He could see my side of the argument and comforted me when I felt there was little hope left for us. He was the only one who I could turn to and who understood when you were pushing me further and further away. After a couple of months I was aware of the fact that I might be developing feelings for him but I thought it was just intimacy I was craving. You went away to Spain with your oldest friend and we were still on shaky terms. Sam had just broken up with his girlfriend so I when around to comfort him. We watched a couple of films, he held my hand the whole time and I could feel his pulse racing in his wrist. Just before I left we looked at each other seeing the doom in our eyes but yet we still let the kiss happen. It was the most passionate and intimate touch I had, had in a whole year but yet I still just felt the black numbness.

    I did it because I wanted to wake up out of my trance and because I wanted to feel something. I suppose in some way I wanted to make you feel a bit of the pain and hurt I had been carrying around with me for the past year because I didn’t seem to get through to you anymore. But most of all I wanted closure.

    I had been ready to tell you and I knew I would lose you. I waited for your return and thought about how I would come out with it. I informed Sam of my intentions and he asked me how I could make you lose both his girlfriend and best friend in one go? He stated that you would feel alone in the world and would probably fall back into depression. I thought and I knew that eventually you would deal with losing me but I couldn’t make you lose the one guy who meant more to you that anyone. I told myself that when you were in a better place I would confess and tell you the truth. Sam and I didn’t talk much after that.

    As time passed our relationship grew and my anxiety decreased but the guilt at the back of my mind never stopped. We became better than we ever were, even better than the start. We have fought through so many tragedies in both our lives together and we have grown so strong as a couple I can hardly believe it. We have intimacy and passion in our relationship and we don’t try to change each other anymore. We hardly ever argue and when we do we are straight to the point and it’s over instantly.

    We have gone from kids to young adults together. I love you more than all the special people in my world put together. I hope you can find it in your heart to one day forgive me. I can’t bear the thought of losing you for good, you are my first and only love.

    I want you to be happy now and for always,

    your fool x

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