To my soul mate,
We’ve been dating for 10 years, since 7th grade in middle school. Now that we were finally out of college you planned desperately to find the most romantic way to propose to me. We were going to be together forever.
As you were planning you started noticing something odd and you went to the doctor. He told you that you were dying– cancer had poisoned you– and you wanted to stop everything because our forever would only last 8 more months. When you spilled all of this to me I wanted nothing more than to marry you, I wanted to show you all the ways that I loved you up until you died.
Our wedding was on June 27th and it was the best day of my life. Although they had you confined to a wheel chair, I didn’t care, you were just as breathtaking as the day we first met in social studies. We spent every minute together after we were married, you’d hold my hand and tell me that you loved me. It was all I ever wanted, you were all I ever wanted.
July 26th I could tell that you were in so much pain, we went to the hospital and they told us that it was the end. I never cried so much in my entire life and you started apologize. I didn’t want you to do that, I wanted this, I knew you would leave earlier and it was damn near killing me to have you saying sorry for the best years of my life. You begged me not to be sad and to celebrate your life– “remember me, I’ll always be with you but please try to move on”– and I vowed to you that I would try my best. You died on our one month anniversary as we were sleeping together in a hospital bed. I was curled up in your arms and I swear I could have died there too, safe and warm as we were just a few months ago.
Now, I’m getting ready for your wake and your funeral. It’s killing me but I can’t help but smile in some way knowing that you’ll always be with me and a part of you will live on.
I’m writing this to tell you that after us trying, today, I found out I was pregnant. I’ve been crying in the mornings as you have been getting so ill and I thought that was causing me to vomit– turns out it was something else. If it’s a boy, I’ll name it after you and if it’s a girl I name it after your aunt, just as we had discussed, just like you would have wanted. I hope that the baby looks like you and is kind like you and has a heart as big as yours. I just wish you were still here so you could share in my joy. I’m already telling our baby in my belly what a great man you were and how much you love us. I can still feel your love within me and I see the signs everywhere, I know you’re watching.
Honey, I’m still worried that people will be scared of this, scared like they were when we announced our marriage plans– they don’t want me to get hurt. Please send me the strength to tell them and help them see what a good thing this is! Don’t worry about me though, spend your time helping your mother– she is struggling more than you would have though. Although, being a single parent will be rough, I will never see myself as being truly alone.
I hope you know how much you mean to me, how much I miss and love you– I can’t find the strength to take off my wedding ring and I’ll wear it on me somewhere until the day I join you. Hopefully, one day I’ll marry a man who understands what a big part of me you will continue to be. I am forever changed by you and the legacy you left behind is incredible. When I finally leave this world, I’ll run to you with open arms and we can lay on the couch and watch TV as we once did. Until then, I’ll see you in my dreams, please visit often <3
All my love and more,